Dr. G's FREE Mental Toughness Newsletter

What is wrong with a society that places so much importance on winning in sports that it blatantly neglects the needs and well being of the child-athletes that it’s charged with educating and protecting? Are we that out of touch that we’ve lost our perspective on what really matters in life? Are too many parents making a “deal with the devil” and turning their kids over to coaches with questionable methods just because these coaches supposedly produce “champions?”

As a coach, just how important is winning to you? When your team or athletes win, does that mean that you are doing your job better? Does it make you a more effective coach? Similarly, when your athletes fail, does that mean you are failing? Are your athletes’ and team’s losses concrete evidence of your incompetence?

If you were brutally honest with yourself, could you look in the mirror and answer this question? “Is winning and all that it means to me, more important than the mental health and happiness of my child/athletes?” If you’re a coach reading this, then I couldn’t blame you for responding to my question with horror and righteous indignation. Who the heck am I to even suggest that you, an adult and professional, would place your needs to be successful over the needs of your young athletes? Of course you know that the sport is supposed to be “all about the kids.” Certainly, you’re fully aware that “it’s only a game.” You also know that coaching is all about being a good role model, enhancing self-esteem and building character. Furthermore, you know that your number one priority is the welfare and happiness of the kids you coach. A coach doesn’t have to be a rocket scientist to know all this stuff. But then again, who would ever answer “yes” to my question and admit to themselves and others that they regularly place their own needs as an adult and professional over those of the children their supposed to be guiding?

Here’s the problem the way I see it. Because winning has become so important to us as a culture, because being “numero uno” has been erroneously equated with coaching success and competence, some of our youth sport, club, high school and college coaches have forgotten what their real mission as a professional is. These coaches have come to mistakenly believe that the won-loss outcome of their season is far more important than the process of participation, character development and safety of their athletes. They believe that an athlete’s performance failure is reflective of a coaching failure. And why shouldn’t they feel this way when coaches at every level are regularly criticized and fired for not winning enough? When it comes right down to it though, isn’t the true essence of “good coaching,” winning? Isn’t that what NFL Hall of Fame coach Vince Lombardi used to say: Winning isn’t the most important thing. It’s the only thing?

Unfortunately when coaches subscribe to this creed, when they put their needs to win in front of their athletes’ well being and learning, then serious problems develop. Interactions with coaches who believe that the end always justifies the means, that the outcome of winning is far more important than the process of teaching and playing, do significant, long term damage to young athletes. When winning is more important to the coach than the experience of his/her athletes’ participation, then EMOTIONAL and sometimes PHYSICAL ABUSE are the end result.

There are a lot of coaches who may vehemently disagree with me and defend their treatment of athletes as good, solid coaching. They explain that they’re just making their athletes mentally tougher and physically stronger. You know, it’s the old “if you baby them, praise them too much or falsely build self-esteem, then you’re really hurting the kids because you’re making them weak” argument. Or, “I may occasionally put my kids down in the process of coaching, but I only do it strategically to get them to tough it out and prove me wrong. Deep down, I really do care about them.” Then there’s my favorite: “This is a very hard, dog-eat-dog, competitive world where bosses yell at their employees and everyone has to learn to deal with getting his self-esteem regularly stomped upon. I’m just teaching these kids how to handle it now!”

Here are my thoughts on this kind of “good” coaching: If it looks like a duck, flies like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, IT’S A DUCK! ABUSE IS ABUSE, REGARDLESS OF WHAT KIND OF SPIN YOU PUT ON IT! ABUSE IS NOT GOOD COACHING, EVEN WHEN IT RESULTS IN WINNING!

Athletes who play for coaches who are more concerned with their own needs than those of their players, may occasionally experience outward success if they manage to stay in the sport long enough. These athletes may be part of a winning team or championship effort. They may even win gold medals. However, the emotional and psychological price that these athletes end up paying in the long run for their “success” is an extremely high one. The damage that abusive coaches can do to preadolescent and adolescent athletes oftentimes haunts them well into adulthood, negatively shaping their future performance experiences and relationships both in and out of competitive sports. Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, identity issues and recurring performance problems are often the result of this kind of negative coaching. Abusive coaching is a serious epidemic in our society and it’s time that responsible adults, i.e. other coaches, level-headed parents and competent professionals step up to the plate and drive this garbage out of the ballpark once and for all.

In this special issue of the Mental Toughness Newsletter we will discuss the topic of abuse in coaching and potentially what can be done about it.

WHAT IS ABUSIVE COACHING?

A good place for us to start our discussion is to very clearly define what abusive coaching is and how it differs from more appropriate, positive coaching. To do this, let’s look at the behaviors/actions of the abusive coach and compare them with those of the good coach.

THE ABUSIVE COACH FITS ANY NUMBER OF THE FOLLOWING:

Regularly uses public embarrassment and humiliation on his/her athletes

Is disinterested in the feelings and sensitivities of his/her players

Rarely uses praise or positive feedback

Is a yeller

Demeans his/her players

Plays “head games” with his/her athletes

Is personally dishonest and untrustworthy

Creates a team environment based on fear and devoid of safety

Is never satisfied with what his/her athletes do.

Is overly negative and a pro at catching athletes doing things wrong

Is more interested in his/her needs then those of his/her players

Over-emphasizes the importance of winning

Tends to be rigid and over-controlling, defensive and angry

Is not open to constructive feedback from players or other parents

Uses excessive conditioning as punishment

Can be physically abusive

Ignores his/her athletes when angry or displeased

Is a bully (and therefore a real coward)

Coaches through fear and intimidation

Is a “know-it-all”

Is a poor communicator

Only cares about his/her athletes as performers, not as individuals

Consistently leaves his/her athletes feeling badly about themselves

Kills his/her athletes’ joy and enthusiasm for the sport

Is a bad role model

Is emotionally unstable and insecure

Earns contempt from players and parents

Coaches through guilt

Is a master of DENIAL!!!!!

A coach doesn’t have to be guilty of all of these behaviors to be an abusive coach. In fact, regularly engaging in a select two or three of these is enough to qualify a coach for abuser status. Unfortunately, most coaches who engage in abuse also refuse to take an honest look at themselves. Because of a well honed sense of denial, they would never admit to themselves or others that they might be doing something wrong. In fact, the abusive coach sees him/herself as a very good coach!

THE GOOD COACH….

NEVER uses humiliation or embarrassment as a coaching tool

Genuinely cares about the welfare and well being of each athlete

Is a pro at catching athletes doing things right

Rarely raises his/her voice

Is supportive and encouraging

Builds healthy relationships with his/her athletes

Is honest and trustworthy

Creates a feeling of personal safety on the team

Is able to celebrate his/her athletes’ successes/accomplishments

Is a positive person

Understands that coaching is about doing what’s best for the kids

Has winning in perspective and defines success in appropriate ways

Tends to be flexible, yet still able to set good limits

Is open to constructive feedback from players and parents

Is friendly, non-defensive and approachable

Uses hard physical conditioning appropriately

Is NEVER physically abusive!

Communicates displeasure directly and appropriately to athletes

Coaches by generating mutual respect

Maintains an open mind

Is a good communicator

Leaves his/her athletes feeling good about themselves

Fuels the athlete’s enjoyment and enthusiasm for the sport

Is a wonderful role model

Earns respect from players and parents

Does NOT act out his/her feelings/insecurities on his/her athletes

One of the distinguishing characteristics of the abusive coach is that deep down, he/she genuinely doesn’t care about his/her athletes as individuals. This kind of coach only values his/her players in direct proportion to that athlete’s abilities and what he/she can do for the coach. The abusive coach pays more attention to the better athletes as long as these individuals continue to “produce” for him/her. As long as they win, he/she likes them. However, should they get injured or slip into a slump, this coach is quick to turn against or ignore them. In a sense, the abusive coach is not emotionally mature enough to separate out his own feelings and needs from those of his/her athletes. While the abusive coach may deny this, his/her behaviors and actions more accurately reflect how he/she really feels. It would be easy for us to look at this behavior and label it as selfish. However, calling the abusive coach “selfish” doesn’t capture what is actually going on here.

Deep down, the abusive coach is a damaged human being. He/she is emotionally stunted and immature. The abusive coach usually suffers from deep seated feelings of inadequacy and he/she unknowingly acts these feelings out on his/her athletes. Unlike healthier human beings, the abusive coach is not able to take an honest look at his/her own behaviors. This individual is too busy defending him/herself and blaming others. The abusive coach is a pro at playing head games and manipulating others. He/she is able to convince his/her players that his/her frustration, yelling, anger and bad behavior are all their fault. If the players behaved better, did what they were told, performed at a higher level, listened to the coaching, etc., then the coach wouldn’t have had to get so upset, lose his/her temper or act the way he/she had. In this way the abusive coach never takes responsibility for his/her bad behavior. Like all abusers, he/she is good at convincing the victims that it is they who should feel guilty and responsible. This is not unlike the behavior of a four year old who says, “YOU made me do this!”

Let’s meet Mark, one such abusive coach through the eyes of Jenny, his star athlete. Sadly, the following story is true. As always, I have changed the names of those involved to protect privacy, although my preference in this case would be to loudly out the abuser/bully and everyone who colluded with him. Only my professionalism restrains me from acting out the anger that I feel towards these kinds of self-centered, misguided, destructive individuals. If this story sounds uncomfortably familiar to you, that’s probably because it is! It represents a situation that all too frequently exists in college, high school and junior sports today.

Jenny is currently a professional tennis player on the women’s tour. She was self-referred to me for performance anxiety and an inability to close out important matches. This problem seemed to be fueled by a lack of self-confidence as well as self-directed anger whenever she made mistakes. If she didn’t execute perfectly, Jenny would get very upset with herself. This was always more of a problem when the match was on the line. Her frustration with mistakes distracted her focus and tightened her up physically. This caused her to play more tentatively, make even more unforced errors and eventually lose to weaker players.

The fact that Jenny was still playing competitive tennis was a miracle unto itself given the emotional and physical abuse that she was continuously subjected to for her four years in college at the hands of Mark, “the worst coach I ever had and a poor excuse for a human being.” In fact, a number of her former teammates had either quit the team before their eligibility expired or had given the game up entirely after their college careers had ended. Unlike Jenny, they were not able to salvage any of the love that had originally brought them to tennis in the first place. Their own experiences with Coach Mark had completely extinguished the joy that the sport had once held for them.

There are a number of upsetting aspects to this story but one of the more troubling ones for me is the “response” of the women’s athletic director to her coach’s outrageous behavior and Jenny’s obvious abuse. It should be noted that this unnamed, highly visible Division I school boasts one of the top 10 tennis programs in the country. Their men’s and women’s athletic teams enjoy a high level of success across a wide variety of sports, not infrequently contending for national championships in many of these sports. By all outward appearances, this is truly an elite athletic program. In fact, the school was recently voted number one in a national magazine poll of the best Division I schools to compete for in the country because of how well they treated their student-athletes. (Jenny relayed this statistic with sarcasm and bitterness.) It just goes to show you how far a little spin and a lot of DENIAL will take you.

Jenny was the number one singles player on her team as a freshman and experienced a tremendous amount of early success. Because of this success, she very quickly became one of her coach’s favorites. However, even as a freshman, Jenny noticed that her coach placed way too much emphasis on winning. When his players struggled he seemed to have a short fuse and was easily prone to anger. This anger was often expressed in a demeaning, verbally abusive way. Towards the middle of her freshman year Jenny first witnessed Mark’s irrational, out-of-control behavior when “he went off on me because I lost and the team needed a win.” By the end of her freshman year, she noticed a feeling of desperateness had infiltrated her tennis matches. For the first time in her life, she felt like she had to win and if she didn’t, something bad might happen. Although she couldn’t put words to it at the time, she had started focusing during her matches more about Mark becoming upset if she lost rather than on her game.

Over the summer between freshman and sophomore years, Mark called Jenny once a week. The content of these conversations was always negative and usually entailed Mark berating her in one way or another. For example, in one conversation he told her, “The incoming freshmen are so good that you probably won’t even make the starting line-up.” Or, Jenny’s favorite, “You’re a hard worker, really smart and really attractive and that’s really good because tennis isn’t going to work for you as a career.”

During the fall season of her sophomore year Jenny was sitting on the court chatting with a group of teammates waiting to play a doubles match at a team tournament in California. Jenny’s doubles partner had a wrist injury and went up to Mark to see if he would replace her in the lineup. She explained that she was in too much pain to play. However, in Mark’s mind, you were never too injured to play and athletes who complained about being in pain were weak and fakers! In fact, “Mark hated injured athletes!”

For some reason, this incident pushed the coach over the edge and, according to Jenny, “he went berserk.” He directed his tirade at Jenny, screaming at her for no apparent reason. As he did so, he suddenly grabbed her by her left arm and forcibly yanked her off the lounge chair that she had been reclining on. Jenny felt totally embarrassed and humiliated because Mark’s outburst had happened in front of a number of coaches and players. She and her partner went on to play their match but by that night, Jenny’s left arm was really bothering her. Soon she couldn’t even lift it. She went to see a doctor the next day and an MRI revealed that her labrum had been torn!

Shockingly, Jenny didn’t tell the doctors or anyone else including her parents about what had really happened. She didn’t even confront Mark. Truth be told, she was in a state of shock that something like this could ever happen to her. When the examining doctor had asked how the injury had happened, Jenny simply explained that she had “slept on her arm funny” and that’s how it had occurred. Of course the school doctor didn’t believe her, but he also didn’t press Jenny for the real story.

Perhaps Jenny’s reluctance to tell anyone was partially related to the “brain washing” that Mark regularly engaged in with Jenny and her teammates. In fact, in order to play for the team, each athlete had to sign a poster that hung in the locker room. In big letters the poster read: “What you SAY here, what you SEE here, what you HEAR here, STAYS HERE when you leave here.” In other words, nothing should ever be brought outside of the team.

Jenny’s injury was so severe that she would need reparative surgery to correct the tear. As a result she would have to miss her entire sophomore season. The incident was immediately brought to the attention of the women’s athletic director. She knew exactly what had happened, that one of her coaches had been physically out of control AND ABUSIVE, what the MRI had shown and the prognosis, that Jenny would miss almost a full season of competing. The AD’s caring response: She immediately told Jenny that she didn’t need to call her parents about the incident because this was something that “we’ll handle in our family.”

Keep in mind that one of the primary tasks of a competent athletic director is to look out for the physical and emotional welfare of her athletes. However, the women’s AD was only interested in what Jenny’s father, who was a lawyer, was going to do and whether he might bring a law suit against the athletic department and school. The AD never once called Jenny to see how she was doing, never acknowledged that Mark had dangerously crossed the line and assaulted an athlete, never once came to any of the tennis practices or took the time to call Jenny’s parents and fill them in on the situation. When Jenny’s dad came to the school and met with the AD regarding the incident, the AD looked him straight in the eyes and promised him that she would insist that Mark get regular counseling, anger management training and be closely monitored weekly. Needless to say, Mark never once went to counseling or had his behavior monitored!

What the AD consistently did was everything in her power to make this ugly incident disappear! After sitting in on a players only, team meeting which occurred shortly after the abuse in which a number of athletes voiced their concerns and upsets about Mark’s actions and Jenny’s injury, the AD pulled Jenny aside and told her, “your team is whining about something that didn’t even happen to them. This has become a huge distraction to the team and I don’t want you to talk about it with them anymore.” How’s that for a supportive response? The women’s AD never even reported the incident to the men’s AD who was in charge of the entire athletic department. She seemed to want to very quickly brush the whole ugly incident under the rug.

In a later meeting with the AD, Jenny made it clear that she never wanted this kind of thing to ever happen again to another student-athlete who played for Mark. While the AD reassured Jenny of this, she never met with Mark, never confronted him about what had happened and failed to follow through in any way to insure the future safety of her athletes. What the AD was very much interested in was maintaining the school and program’s image as a wonderful place for student-athletes to learn and compete. Shamefully, she colluded with this out of control coach, making her equally as guilty of the abuse. (And the really comforting thing for parents of student-athletes at this fine institution to keep in mind is that this dangerously self-centered, incompetent individual is still in charge of women’s athletics!)

Jenny’s shoulder surgery took place on the 20^th of December. Her parents wanted her to red-shirt her sophomore year because they didn’t want a lot of pressure put on their daughter to have to rehab quickly and get back into competition. However, Mark told her father that he didn’t want her to red shirt because he felt (being a highly trained expert in the medical profession) that Jenny’s injury wasn’t that serious and that she could get back in the lineup in plenty enough time.

Just 10 days after the operation, Mark was yelling at Jenny because he felt that she wasn’t doing enough to get herself back! He continued to put pressure on her to rehab quicker and get back with the team. He pushed her hard and encouraged her to ignore the warnings from sports medicine that she play only 20 minutes a day. Soon Mark had her hitting two hours a day. The team wasn’t doing well and Mark wanted her in the lineup as soon as possible. However, because she was doing too much too soon, Jenny tore muscles in the rotator cuff of her right shoulder, her racquet arm. This injury insured that her sophomore season would be a total wash which seemed to make her coach that much angrier.

As we discussed, one of the common dynamics in any abusive relationship is that the victim begins to feel like she is directly responsible for the abuse. This guilt-fueled illusion is encouraged by the abuser who continuously feeds this distortion to the victim. This is now how Jenny was starting to feel. On some level she blamed herself for Mark’s angry outbursts and the incident that injured her, costing her, her sophomore season. If she had only played to her potential or won more, then perhaps Mark wouldn’t have gotten so frustrated and angry. This incident of physical abuse further fed her fears of the man.

While there were no other occasions of physical abuse through her junior and senior years, Jenny reported that Mark continued to be verbally and emotionally abusive to her and her teammates. It seemed, however, that the bulk of his anger and abuse was directed at her. When she lost, he’d tell her how bad she was and that she shouldn’t even be playing tennis. Several times a week in various forms he would repeat this message to his star player. When she was a senior and still clearly the best player on the team, Mark punished Jenny further by pushing her down in the lineup to the #3 singles spot. He continued to verbally demean her and question her commitment to the team and sport. At other times he would try to turn Jenny’s teammates against her. Throughout it all, Jenny played with an intense fear of losing. In her mind the stakes were always very high whenever she stepped on the court. Losing meant that Mark would be unhappy and an unhappy coach in her mind meant that she wasn’t physically safe.

At the end of her senior year, Mark again lost control and physically threw another player out of his office in front of his assistant coach. This incident so shook up his assistant coach, that she immediately contacted the women’s AD to report the abuse. In response, the AD got mad at this coach for reporting it. After hearing of this incident from the assistant coach, Jenny and the rest of her team confronted both the women’s athletic director and head athletic director about Mark’s abusive, out of control behavior. The head AD was shocked and appalled to hear about what had happened. As a consequence of the meeting, Mark was forced to resign. However, even though he was removed from his job, he wasn’t fired! He was simply given another job in another department where he worked for the next two years!

DEALING WITH ASBUSIVE COACHES

ATHLETES: First off, how do you know if your coach is really abusive? There are many negative emotions that you will encounter playing competitive sports that have absolutely nothing to do with the coach mistreating you. These can be related to your own mistakes and failings, a lack of playing time, your nervousness in handling pressured situations, etc. Just because a coach may yell or get angry with you doesn’t necessarily mean that this individual is being abusive. For example, some coaches who yell, actually care very deeply for their athletes and their yelling is done in the context of this caring relationship. Playing time is another common issue which generates a lot of hurt and bad feelings within the athlete but shouldn’t be confused with coaching abuse. There’s nothing that leaves an athlete more unhappy and angry at the coach than a lack of playing time. It’s no fun sitting the bench. It can kill your confidence and ruin your season. A lack of PT might even mean that your coach plays favorites and is unfair. However, a lack of PT does not necessarily mean that your coach is being abusive.

When you play for an abusive coach, it will always leave you with certain, predictable emotions. If you regularly have these feelings, then you know that the athletic environment you’re in is an unhealthy one and it’s time to take steps to protect yourself. Let’s review some of these “athlete feeling warning signs” or RED FLAGS:

When you’re in an abusive situation you end up feeling scared a lot of the time. This fear is usually related to what the coach may say or do if you mess up or fail. The fear that you feel also compels you to want to keep things to yourself. Abusive coaches use this fear to manipulate athletes and prevent them from talking about the coaching situation with other adults who might be able to help. If you are getting threatening messages from the coach that you’d better not tell anyone about the incidents happening in practice “or else,” a red flag should go up in your mind. If you spend a lot of time feeling guilty about things that you’ve supposedly done wrong then another red flag should go up. Feeling regularly embarrassed and/or humiliated by the coach in front of teammates and spectators is also a red flag. Being excessively worried about losing or making a mistake is a red flag as is a feeling like you’re “walking on eggshells,” whenever you’re around the coach. (That is, if you say and/or do the wrong things the coach could have a meltdown.) If you find yourself trying to explain to yourself or rationalize why the coach’s bad behaviors and mistreatment were really your fault then chances are high that you’re stuck with an abusive coach. If you continuously feel badly about yourself and this lack of confidence is reinforced by the coaches comments then this is another red flag.

What if your coach regularly leaves you feeling this way? What then? Probably the most important step for you to take when you find yourself being abused by a coach is to immediately get yourself out of the abusive environment. I don’t care how much you love the game or how important it is for you to be on this team, playing for an abusive coach will ultimately kill the joy you feel and damage you as a person. Staying with abusive individuals in any situation will hurt your self-image, lower your self-esteem and leave you feeling depressed and worthless.

Perhaps the very first step in getting out of an abusive coaching situation might be to gather up your courage and tell your parents and/or other responsible adults about what has been going on. NEVER, EVER KEEP ABUSE A SECRET! Do NOT protect the coach! Instead you must TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! This is especially true if the coach has directly threatened you or other teammates with negative consequences should you tell anyone. My feeling: Blow the whistle on the bully and blow it loudly and hard.

Sometimes abusive coaches will manipulate you into believing that if you tell parents or anyone else about what’s been going on, then that’s a sign that YOU are weak. Actually the opposite is true! Standing up to an abuser and reporting him/her is a sign of great strength! In essence you are making the healthy, self-protective statement, “I will no longer allow you to mistreat me this way because I value myself too much!” This is a very important statement for you to make to any individual who is physically or emotionally hurting you. Do not try to “tough it out” when it comes to this kind of abusive behavior. The healthy thing to do is quickly remove yourself from the situation and report the abuser.

In the process of doing this, you might find it helpful to personally confront the abuser with his bad behavior and the impact that it has had on you. For younger athletes this is near impossible without the aid of their parents setting up the meeting, providing a safe environment and helping them express their feelings. However, if you’re a high school or college-aged athlete, then you may be able to do this by yourself with a trusted adult or the athletic director looking on. Look the abuser in the eyes and let him/her know exactly how you feel about his/her mistreatment of you. If this is too difficult to do, then write the abusing coach a letter and be sure to send copies to the athletic director and other appropriate, involved adults.

Do NOT let abusive coaches get away with their bad behaviors. Remember, if this coach has hurt you badly and you don’t say anything, then chances are very good that he/she will go on to hurt other athletes just like you.

PARENTS: If you have reason to believe that your child is in an abusive situation with a coach, then your job as a parent is quite simple. GET YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER OUT OF THERE A.S.A.P.! Do NOT EVER keep your child on a team working with a coach if that coach is being physically and/or emotionally abusive to your child. It doesn’t matter if this is the only show in town. It doesn’t matter if this coach is THE GUY to go to if you want your child to achieve great success. It doesn’t matter if this coach has worked with Olympic gold medalists! It doesn’t even matter if your child begs you to let him/her stay with that coach. If your child is being abused the only thing that matters is keeping him/her safe!

How do you know if abuse is going on? As a parent you must closely monitor your child’s athletic experience. Are they continuing to have fun? Do they look forward to going to practice? What kinds of things do they say about the coach? Often times your kids won’t report very much about the goings-on in practice. If that’s the case, then it’s up to you to keep tabs on their mood, attitude and behaviors. Be alert to changes in their normal behaviors. Has their eating or sleeping habits changed in any way? Are they suddenly out-of-love with their sport? Have they lost their trademark enthusiasm or passion for practice? Are they suddenly finding excuses for not wanting to go to practice? i.e. Are they inexplicably complaining of being sick/injured whenever it’s time to go?

If your child won’t talk with you about what’s going on, sit in on a few practices yourself. Pay very close attention to how the coach handles various situations. With parents watching, he/she will probably be more self-conscious and therefore on his/her best behavior. Watch anyway.

If your child reports anything out of the ordinary, listen carefully. Do not ever assume that your child is exaggerating the situation or being overly sensitive. Always err on the side of safety here. If your child does report a specific incident to you, immediately go to the coach and diplomatically ask for an explanation of what happened. By doing this you directly and indirectly let the coach know that you are a concerned parent and are paying very close attention to him/her.

Anytime you confront a coach with these kinds of complaints you must do so strategically. That is, pick the right time to talk with the coach and be sure that you have privacy. If you attempt to have this conversation with many people around it will go badly. Try not to embarrass the coach, but at the same time it’s important that you are very direct with him/her. For example, if the coach tends to be verbally abusive you might say, “I’m not sure that you’re aware of this, but when you scream and say (X, Y & Z), it really seems to be upsetting my son/daughter. If the coach responds to you with anger and defensiveness, you may have a potential problem coach in front of you. If that’s the case, monitor his/her behavior very closely through your child’s reports. If the abusive behavior continues, then immediately report him/her to league officials.

If you have confirmed evidence that your child has been abused, immediately confront the coach and demand that he stop this behavior. At the same time, you should notify his/her boss or league officials of the incident so that appropriate actions can be taken. Depending upon the severity of the abuse, it may be necessary to immediately remove your son or daughter from the team until the coach has been appropriately disciplined or removed. Your overall guiding principle in these situations is “Your child’s physical and emotional well being always comes first, completely separate from his/her performance as an athlete.”

COACHES: If you become aware of a colleague who is engaging in what you believe to be abusive behavior, then it’s your responsibility to directly approach that individual and confront him. Do not silently collude with abuse by doing nothing. You owe it to the kids and their parents to speak up when you think another coach is acting inappropriately. The way you do this is with tact and compassion. Do not embarrass or humiliate the coach. Like a parent talking to an offending coach, if you’re confronting a colleague, find a time and place that’s appropriate that will offer privacy. Take them aside and let them know the affect that their behavior is having on their athletes. For example, “Are you aware that when you scream at the kids, it makes them really frightened/upset? I think it would be more beneficial to the kids if you could lower your voice and not yell so much when working with them.”

Unfortunately, there are few abusive coaches who could openly hear this kind of feedback from a colleague, let alone anyone else. Most will respond to you with anger and defensiveness. If this is the case, and their abusive behavior doesn’t change, then it’s your responsibility to contact league officials and report the coach. Even if most of the time the confronting of an abusive colleague leads to a defensive reaction, you still have to do it. As adults and professionals charged with teaching kids and providing them with a safe learning environment which will enable them to grow as athletes and individuals, there is no place for child abuse. It is always your primary responsibility to insure that the kids who play sports remain safe. Child abusers should never be allowed to work in competitive sports.

If by chance you’re reading this newsletter and recognize that you have been an abusive coach, then my suggestion is for you to get some professional help. It’s quite common for those who regularly abuse, to be victims of abuse themselves. Many abusive coaches were abused as children by either their parents or coaches. The only way to stop this insidious cycle is to directly work on the issues with a trained counselor.

By now ex-shock jock, Don Imus’ infamous, sexist and racist blunder directed towards the Rutgers University mostly black women’s basketball team is ancient history. Imus was supposedly kidding around on April 4^th 2007 when he called a group of accomplished female scholar-athletes “nappy-headed hos” as he watched film clip of their National Championship final against the largely white University of Tennessee Lady Vols and bantered with his simulcast producer, Bernard McGuirk from MS-NBC. Actually, Imus’ comments immediately followed McGuirk’s reference to the Rutgers players as, “those are some hard-core hos.”

Help me here please. Why would watching top-flight, college black women playing basketball conjure up the image of “hard core hos” in this guy’s mind? Was it because of how hard they crashed the boards? Was it because of the amazing core muscle strength these women had developed? Perhaps it was because of how well they executed the fast break or pick and roll? Maybe it was the soft touch of their three- point shooting? Wait a minute! I think I’ve got it! It was because a number of the Rutgers women had tattoos on their bodies to go with their well-developed muscles and superior athletic skills. Oh, “I see,” said the blind man. Muscles, superior athletic skills and tattoos on black female athletes makes them “hard core hos” in Mr. McGuirk’s mind!” (Question: Does watching top flight, black male athletes also conjure up the image of “hard core pimps” in Mr. McGuirk’s mind?) And, of course, all of this was somehow supposed to be just for fun and worth chuckling over? Apparently I wasn’t the only one confused about their comments and behavior because there was nothing funny in the tumultuous s--- storm of a reaction that these two men generated!

While some thought that people totally overreacted to Imus’ comments, his words earned him outrage and exceedingly low marks from women’s rights organizations, the NAACP, and just about anyone with a shred of social consciousness, decency and/or intelligence. As the Imus uproar intensified, product sponsors scrambled to distance themselves from his apparent on-air racist and sexist gaff like rats jumping off a sinking ship. CBS radio immediately suspended old Don from the airwaves for two weeks without pay. As more and more of the big companies began pulling their products off his show, MS-NBC had no choice but to fire the I-Man from his very successful and popular TV simulcast. Despite his numerous and sometimes close to tears apologies, CBS radio soon decided that they couldn’t, in good conscience, (“conscience” spelled $$$$$$$$) keep Imus on the air any longer and sent him packing after a career spanning several generations. A week after Imus was canned, his producer and side-kick McGuirk was also shown the exit door to the street.

Poor Imus had gone and drunk from the well of thoughtlessness, indecency and “isms” once too often. It’s been said that his show had a long history of being a vehicle for inappropriate comments, tasteless banter and people bashing, and this time the man had touched off the “perfect storm” of controversy. Civil rights activists decried the obvious racism of the man. Feminists slammed his blatant sexism. Level-headed thinkers made fun of the mindlessness, ignorance and mean spiritedness of his comments, using them as concrete evidence that the I-Man wasn’t troubled by deep waves of thought when he opened his mouth. In his defense, Imus tried to explain the nature of his show, “this is a program that makes fun of everyone on the planet. It is what I do…. Some people don’t deserve to be made fun of and the Rutgers women didn’t deserve it.”

Free speech advocates loudly countered that Imus was just doing what was his God-given right to do: FREELY SPEAK HIS MIND. Others claimed that Imus was being unfairly scape-goated, pointing to the widely popular lyrics and music videos of successful black rap artists which regularly put black women down, portraying them as “bitches, hos” and mindless sex objects for “real men.” Those in talk radio offered their two cents that Imus did nothing wrong. He was simply doing his job to “entertain” the listening audience, as if publicly demeaning another’s race and gender is considered “entertainment.” Anybody who was somebody and everybody who was nobody had something to say about the man and his unfortunate and ill-thought out remark.

Long-term friends rushed to the I-Man’s defense claiming that he wasn’t a racist and that his comments were completely misunderstood and nothing more than the unintended, poorly timed and badly executed product of a shock jock. “Isn’t that what this kind of radio is supposed to do?” they claimed. “Aren’t there cruder, meaner voices on the air waves?” they wanted to know. Before he left the show, and in his own defense the I-Man sincerely said, “I’m not a bad man. I may have said some bad things but that doesn’t make me a bad man.” In further support of his character, the I-Man’s other friends chimed in to list all the good that the man has consistently done over the years for children who have cancer and other serious blood diseases. Imus has run a special no-cost program on his ranch in New Mexico for children with terminal illnesses for the past 10 years. To try and make things right, Imus privately met with the entire Rutgers University basketball team and staff to apologize for any unintended pain that he may have caused them.

The Imus media storm that had engulfed the whole country for several weeks was suddenly extinguished by the tragic and random shootings at Virginia Tech. With it, the Imus controversy dropped off the radar screen. However, I’d like to more closely examine the less obvious social context that Imus and his producer’s comments sprung from.

Most people were up in arms about the apparent racism of his remarks. I would like to address the underlying sexism implied in his banter, sexism that is alive and well today in our country, especially in relation to female athletes. While I’ll be saving the topic of racism in sports for another newsletter, it is important to at least point out here that Imus and McGurik’s comments were not just directed at female athletes in general. They specifically targeted black female athletes. While sexism negatively affects all women, the impact of this sexism varies depending upon race, class, ethnicity, age and sexual preferences. The oppression that black women face in this country is far more complex because they are doubly marginalized by being black and female. “Nappy-headed hos” wasn’t aimed at the white athletes on that basketball floor!

SEXISM AND FEAR

Why would supposedly mature, grown men reflexively make demeaning comments over the national airwaves about female athletes without any knowledge or understanding of the individuals who they were commenting about? Is there something about strong, talented, aggressive and competitive female athletes that totally confounds and/or threatens the male psyche and ego, setting off testosterone alarms that defensively lead men to act and speak in inappropriate, mindless and demeaning-to-female ways?

Now we might answer the first question quite narrowly by simply explaining that both Imus and McGuirk were racist, sexist Neanderthals and that their comments were nothing more than a reflection of both their ignorance and failure to evolve as human beings. To be fair, I do not really know either of these guys. I don’t have clue one as to who Imus the man is. I never listened to his program and I’m not really into radio shows of this type. Certainly his apology on national TV sounded sincere and heartfelt enough. However, to just blame “hos-gate” on Imus and his producer as individuals and their personal shortcomings is to completely miss the bigger picture. Their comments are merely a reflection of a much larger, present day societal problem in this country, a problem that extends far beyond sports and is woven into every fabric of our lives: Gender discrimination, i.e. sexism.

Sexism? Dr. G, what on earth are you talking about? How was the I-Man being sexist? C’mon, buddy, lighten up! He was just cracking a joke! Where’s your sense of humor Doc?

First of all, let me tell you a little something about jokes. When they are directed at another race, gender, individual, class or religious group there is almost always an underlying hostility to them. What does this mean in English? Jokes at someone else’s expense are often a great way to indirectly express your anger or resentment towards that person. They are also a subtle way for an oppressor to keep the oppressed down. Most people who hide their anger or hostility in humor are not always aware that they harbor these feelings inside of them. When you challenge the jokester and complain that their comments were indeed hurtful, they defensively respond, “Oh, I was only kidding! Don’t be so sensitive? Can’t you take a joke?”

So let’s take a quick look at sexism. First off, what exactly is it? Sexism is commonly considered to be discrimination and/or hatred against people based upon their sex rather than their individual merits. It’s housed in certain beliefs and attitudes held by the individual that one gender or sex is superior and/or more valuable than the other. Sexism is also found in the attitude of imposing a limited or false notion of femininity on females and a limited or false notion of masculinity on males. In addition, sexism can include a hatred and/or mistrust of the opposite sex.

So, by this definition was Imus and company being sexist? Two old guys making fun of strong, aggressive, competitive female athletes? Sounds like it to me! However, it’s not really fair to just dump all over Imus and his former sidekick for their sexist transgressions because, as men, they are far from alone in their attitudes towards female athletes. There are many male coaches, athletes, fathers and sports fans out there right now who sometimes knowingly and most often unknowingly perpetuate the myth that females are in so many ways slightly inferior to males.

In this special issue of the Mental Toughness Newsletter I want to address what you may find to be an upsetting and controversial topic, the underlying sexism that still pervades our thinking and attitudes in sports. Even with the advances of Title IX in collegiate sports, women’s athletics are still considered by many to be “less important” than men’s sports. Much of this stems from the fact that sports were long the sacred domain of boys and men. The true history of sports is the history of men. In the past, girls and women could only watch and cheer from the sidelines while the “real” male athletes competed in their games. Back then, girls and women needed to be sure that they maintained the “proper” feminine behaviors, attitude and appearance. It was always fine for boys and men to be tough, competitive, aggressive and athletic because that was what “real men” did. Girls and women however needed to present themselves as attractive, soft, physically weak, cooperative and non-athletic. There had to be something really wrong with any “deviant” female, a “male wannabe” referred to as a “tomboy”, who wanted to get physically strong, learn and excel in a sport and compete on a man’s playing field.

It’s only really since the late sixties and early seventies that the world of competitive sports has more widely shifted and opened to female athletes. Today female athletes have far more opportunities to learn, train and excel in a wide variety of sports than their counterparts in the middle of the last century. However, regardless of the tremendous advances that they’ve made through these years, the female athlete is still unconsciously put down because of the inherent sexism in our society. There are still remnants of a “men are the breadwinners” and “a woman’s place is in the home” mentality skulking around in the dark recesses of a lot of male minds.

How else can we explain the demeaning to women comments that are often used by male coaches to put down their male athletes? “Come on ladies, let’s pick it up shall we.” “You played like pussies out there today!” “Where’s your dress Smith?!!! You’re acting just like a little girl.” “What’s wrong with you son? Are you going to go all girlie on me and start to cry?!”

As we examine this topic, I’d like you to take an honest look at yourself and your attitude towards females both in and out of sports. If you’re a female reading this, then I’d like you to examine your own feelings about yourself as a strong, competitive and competent athlete-individual. How do you feel about being an aggressive, competitive athlete? Are you comfortable allowing yourself to take on this role or do you have problems feeling/behaving this way? Do you get flack from others for being a competitive athlete?

If you’re a male reading this, then I’d like you to closely examine your attitudes in relation to females. How do you see yourself in relation to female athletes? Do you think female competitors in general are weaker and less competent than you? Do you value and appreciate female athletes for their skills and competencies? Are you threatened by them? Would you even admit it, if you were?

It’s only when we allow ourselves to take an honest and hard look at who we really are and how we really feel that positive change and growth can occur. Awareness is one of the most powerful and constructive tools that you can use in your life to improve and develop as both an athlete and human being. Without self-awareness you are doomed to ignorance and making the same old mistakes. Without self –awareness you can never really evolve. Do you have the courage to be self-aware? Do you have the courage to take an honest look at how you view yourself and others? Why does this take courage? Being really strong is about having the ability to know yourself and acknowledge your mistakes, shortcomings and weaknesses. Hiding your shortcomings from yourself and others is not a mark of strength. On the contrary! It is a sign of weakness.

So let’s bolster up some courage and take a good hard look at how girls and women are portrayed in and out of sports in our society and what you as an individual might do in your life to constructively change this. If everyone and especially males developed some awareness of the underlying issues that fueled Imus and McGuirk’s on-air commentary, then perhaps we might eliminate these kinds of ignorant, mean-spirited sexist attitudes and behaviors from the social landscape of sports and life.

“YOU’VE COME A LONG WAY BABY, or have you?”

In 1972, Title IX guaranteed female student-athletes equal opportunity when it came to intercollegiate athletics. What this meant was that whatever had been made available to male athletes in the past in terms of athletic scholarships and nurturance of athletic ability must now be made equally available to female athletes. No longer could college athletic departments simply pay lip service to women’s athletics. Instead they had to demonstrate that they were in compliance with Title IX and provide the female athletes at their school an equal opportunity to compete just like the males.

While Title IX has opened up many doors over the years that had been previously closed to the female athlete, it hasn’t significantly touched the subtle and sometimes not so subtle male attitudes towards women in general and female athletes in particular that are responsible for bringing us Imus’ “hos-gate.” Many of these attitudes were obnoxiously captured by tennis legend Bobby Riggs. Riggs was a master showman, sports hustler, and a 1940’s tennis star who, for three years, had been ranked #1 in the world. At age 55 he came out of retirement to challenge the top female tennis player in the world, Margaret Court. His sexist reasoning was that the female game was so far inferior to the male one that "any half-decent male player could defeat even the best female player.” Surprisingly enough, Riggs easily beat Court 6-2, 6-1 using drop shots and lobs to throw her stronger, more aggressive game off balance. His victory landed him on the covers of Sports Illustrated and Time Magazine and further fanned the flames of his sexism. From this national limelight Riggs then taunted all female tennis players to try and beat him. Billie Jean King took him up on the challenge and played Riggs in a widely publicized “Battle of the Sexes” match held in the Houston Astrodome on September 20, 1973.

King had learned from Court’s loss and so was ready for Riggs’ softer, craftier game. Instead of playing her normal aggressive style, she stayed back and ran Riggs back and forth from side to side, quickly wearing the 55 year old down physically and beating him handily, 6-4, 6-3, 6-3. Her victory stunned the male tennis world, especially Riggs’ contemporaries who apparently quietly harbored similar feelings as Bobby. So shocked that a woman could beat a man, some even felt that Riggs had deliberately thrown the match.

However, King’s victory in the battle of the sexes hasn’t quieted the utterly ridiculous argument that still plays today like a broken record in the male psyche that male athletes are faster, stronger and better than female athletes. First of all, what is the male athlete’s need to constantly tout his supposed superior prowess when it comes to the female athlete? There’s no question that the male body is physically different from the female body and that these physical differences provide males with distinct strength advantages. So what? Males and females are different animals, plain and simple. My feeling is that obsessively bringing up this male-female comparison is a product of what I think fuels male sexism: FEAR and underlying feelings of inadequacy.

If you look closely at why people, in general compare themselves to others, the answer is very simple. Comparisons most frequently come from a place of insecurity. Athletes who are too preoccupied with specific opponents or teammates are worried that these particular individuals may indeed be better than them. It’s their fear that fuels their endless comparisons and from this fear they feel a need to put the other down. Who cares if a male athlete claims that he’s better than a female one? What’s the point of making this statement? It’s seems to be somehow reassuring to the ego-centered male psyche to be able to look at a comparable female athlete and say, “Well at least, I’m better than you.” For example, one male tennis broadcaster once commented during a women’s match at a Grand Slam event that a man ranked in the top 300 in the world could easily beat the top ranked woman.

And the point of this Bobby Riggs-esque remark? Men have significant physical strength advantages over women. They can hit the ball harder. So a male athlete could effortlessly physically overpower a female athlete. Does this lessen the female athlete’s accomplishments? Does this mean that the number one player in the world isn’t really that good because she might get easily beaten by a low ranking male player? Forgive me, but this is an absurd, testosterone-fueled argument. Women compete against women, not men. Achieving the top 300 ranking in the world is not even in the same ballpark as earning the #1 ranking in the world! And please don’t burden me with the lame argument that it’s easier for a woman to get to number one than it is for a man. If you believe that sexist malarkey, then you have some pretty powerful testosterone blinders on!

If we’re going to insist on measuring the “true worth” of the female athlete’s accomplishments on the male yardstick, why stop there. Let’s do the same thing with female recording artists, movie actresses, physicians, architects, authors, rocket scientists, and you name it. Let’s help all these very talented, accomplished professional women see that all that they’ve accomplished in their careers can only be accurately evaluated when held up next to a male’s achievements in their field. Of course, this argument is nonsensical because these women and their accomplishments stand alone. They don’t need to be compared. In a similar way, female athletes are completely different than male athletes so let’s just drop the competition-between-the-sexes thing. Bottom line: When men make these kinds of comparisons, they’re down-right demeaning to women and they lessen the female’s achievements!

A male’s need to reassure himself that “at the very least I can still outplay the girls” comes from a deep-seated threat posed by the female athlete, a threat that goes right to the very core of the male athlete’s “maleness.” That is, a “female” might be more talented and skilled than a “male,” and, unconsciously, that a female actually might be more male than a male. For example, my youngest daughter, Julee played high school basketball for four years. Now in college, she reports that guys are shocked when she easily out shoots them in a game of HORSE. Some get upset, a few are impressed and others explain their loss away by claiming that because she’s using a smaller women’s ball, she has an unfair advantage. Of course, they are left speechless after she beats them using the men’s ball. The assumption held by a lot of these guys is that just because they are male, they will be superior athletes.

I think we can better understand this whole issue by looking more closely at gender stereotyping in this country. How are boys and men supposed to be/act in our society and how does this differ from the role ascribed to girls and women?

REAL MEN AND REAL WOMEN

Gender stereotyping? You know the rule. From day ONE, boys are brought up dressed in blue with “guy” things on their bedroom walls while girls are dressed in pink and surrounded by feminine things. Never, ever dress guys in pink or girls in blue! In general terms, boys and young men are both subtly and not so subtly socialized to be aggressive, competitive and tough. They are encouraged to focus on themselves, go after their needs and seek the limelight. They are discouraged from feeling and expressing their emotions, and instead are taught that this kind of emotional display is soft and somehow “unmanly,” (which means, it’s what “girls” do). Girls, on the other hand are socialized to be passive, cooperative and frail. They are encouraged to focus on others’ needs and discouraged from being “selfish,” i.e. taking care of themselves first. Girls are taught to avoid calling attention to themselves and given the message early on that being competitive and aggressive is not what “ladies” do and will ultimately hurt others.

As girls enter adolescence in our culture, they have been brainwashed for years to believe that their value in the world and personal happiness is dependent upon their physical attractiveness to the opposite sex. In innumerable ways they are subtly encouraged to base their self-esteem upon their sexual desirability. This “education” includes learning to passively subjugate their needs to that of a man’s and to avoid doing things that might threaten and/or turn off that man. These gender “no no’s” include taking on “male” attributes like aggressiveness, assertiveness and competitiveness. Perhaps this may partially explain why an alarming number of very bright, high achieving young 11 and 12 year old girls stop trying once they hit 7^th and 8^th grades and tend to drop out of extracurricular activities because “it’s not cool” to be smart and athletic, (translation: it may turn some guys off).

In many ways, girls and young women who buy into this socialization B.S. end up “selling their souls down the river.” They give up their strengths, interests and self-respect so that they might make themselves more of a “catch” for males as if this is the “be all, end all” for the female gender in life. They put a lid on their needs, muzzle their assertiveness and competitiveness, and allow themselves to be defined by the boy or man they’ve been able to snag.

The wonderful thing about sports is that it provides a very healthy alternative for young women to avoid the pitfalls inherent in this “normal” female socialization. It provides an arena where participants are taught that not only is it OK to be aggressive, competitive and strong, but it’s a prerequisite for success. Through the vehicle of sports, girls are encouraged to pursue their own dreams. In a healthy sports environment they are even taught that competitiveness in a young woman is desirable and that it fosters their overall growth and development. Sports provide girls and young women a way to feel good about themselves and build self-esteem without having to subjugate themselves to the opposite sex in order to do so. Athletic prowess cuts through the B.S. about appearances and gives a young woman an inherent value and identity that far transcends her worth as a mindless, soulless sexual object.

However, as female athletes get more skilled, aggressive and competitive, our male dominated society becomes quite confused and unconsciously threatened. Who are these “females” that are crashing the boards, smashing overheads and aggressively going for and winning those 50:50 balls? Why are these “girls” bulking up in the weight room, sweating like men and thriving on head-to-head competition? What on earth are we supposed to think about them? Are they really girls/women or is there something else more insidious going on here? When these female athletes compete, shouldn’t they be simultaneously making themselves more attractive to us, the male viewing public? Shouldn’t they be wearing something that is a little more flattering and that shows a bit more skin? You know, kind of like that luscious tennis pro, Anna Kournikova. After all, aren’t these athletic girls and women supposed to be pleasing for us to look at? Isn’t that their main job in relation to us males?

Herein lies the very confusing dilemma for the typically socialized male in our society. “Real” athletes, i.e. men, are supposed to be strong, masculine, dominant and aggressive. They are supposed to compete hard and do everything in their power to win. “Girls” are supposed to be sexually appealing to look at, passive, non-competitive and focused mainly on attracting that “special someone” from the opposite sex. How is it possible for an aggressive, competitive female athlete to simultaneously be sexually attractive? For many men these two different roles are unconsciously held in their mind as mutually exclusive. You either have to be a male athlete or an attractive babe. There is no in between. For girls and women to be strong, talented, goal driven and athletic tends to fry the wiring in a lot of male psyches. Simply put, it’s downright threatening!

This threat gets voiced in the dark recesses of the male mind as follows: If you are female and a real athlete, then something has to be very wrong with you. Why? Because your “primary” role in life is to make yourself attractive for me, the dominant male. If you instead, pursue this aggressive, competitive athletic stuff instead of concentrating your efforts on looking good for me, then perhaps there may be something slightly off about your sexual preferences. i.e. you must be a lesbian! Athletic women are often taunted about their sexuality and assumed to be gay. After all, how else do we explain a “chick” who is stronger then me, can run faster, hit the ball harder and lift more? Labeling these athletes as “lesbians” eliminates the threat that many men experience around these high achieving women.

In our male dominated society, female athletes find themselves between a rock and a hard place. That is, they are either hyper-sexualized or dismissed as lesbians. An athlete like Russian tennis pro Anna Kournikova is a prime example of the former. During her professional career, Kournikova got as high as a top 20 ranking in the world. However, her tennis prowess paled in comparison to her achievements as a sexual object and media darling. Kournikova made the cover of Sports Illustrated for her sexual appeal, not for her tennis skills. Her mostly nude body graced the cover of the special swim suit edition of this very popular sports magazine. During her career, Kournikova garnered far more press and media attention than all of her higher ranked contemporaries. Whatever athletic successes Kournikova achieved were basically deemed irrelevant. What was considered “relevant” was how “hot” she was. By ignoring the female athlete’s accomplishments and instead focusing on her sexuality, we depersonalize her and, in the process, remind all women that deep down, they simply exist as objects to please men.

If a strong, talented female athlete does not succumb to the demands to become a sexual object, or if her appearance is deemed less than acceptable by the male viewing public, then she is often stereotyped as a lesbian. Athletic women break the mold of what a woman should be, and in doing so, they generate anxiety and confusion in a lot of men. Labeling these “deviants” as lesbians simultaneously explains away their athletic success and abilities, (lesbians aren’t real women) and helps men unconsciously feel more secure about themselves in the face of this female threat.

SEXISM OR MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL?

Now I understand that if you’re a male reading this then you’re probably not liking what I’m saying. Maybe you think that I should lighten up a bit and that I’m blowing this whole thing way out of proportion. Perhaps you strongly disagree with my point that men in general treat women and female athletes as sexual objects. You could even be a female athlete and disagree with me. You’d be in good company, right along side multiple Olympic gold medal swimmer Amanda Beard! A past Sports Illustrated swim suit model, Beard was recently interviewed by SI discussing her upcoming cover appearance on the July 2007 issue of Playboy magazine. When asked by SI if she was concerned that posing nude is sexist or reinforces negative stereotypes about female athletes, Beard responded, “I do something if I feel comfortable doing it, and if I feel my family will get behind me on it. I couldn’t care less what other people think. I work extremely hard to get the body that I have, so I kind of want to flaunt it a little but before it goes away.”

So does being on the cover of Playboy depersonalize Beard or diminish her accomplishments as an elite athlete? Hard to believe the readership will be able to truly appreciate the amazing competitor that Beard has developed herself into through mind-boggling amounts of good old fashioned work. Will the readers understand how extremely difficult it is to attain gold medal status in swimming, a sport which continuously requires athletes to move towards pain and exhaustion in order to improve? Will they get a sense for how mentally tough she is and the sacrifices that she has had to make along the way to greatness? Will they get a good feeling of who Amanda is as an intelligent, feeling person? I’m sorry, but I have serious doubts about whether the male mind is able to truly appreciate the special qualities, disciplines and strengths that make Beard the person who she is while they are objectively perusing naked views of her body.

Maybe this whole issue is different in Beard’s case. Apparently she’s quite comfortable with herself, her body and her tremendous accomplishments. On top of this, she doesn’t really give a hoot what you or I think about her, nor should she. Clearly, she is a great role model for a strong, aggressive and successful female athlete. However, I still wonder about the distorted message that young boys and men will take away from her spread in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and Playboy. Please don’t think that it’s just me and I’m being overly sensitive about the sexual objectification of female athletes. My concern is not ill founded.

Case in point: Eli Saslow, a sports writer for the Washington Post recently wrote a disturbing story about Allison Stokke, an 18 year old, high school pole vaulter from Newport Beach, California. In her high school track and field career, Stokke had won the 2004 California state pole vaulting title, broken five national records and earned a scholarship to the University of California. Allison is a talented, hard working dedicated athlete and her story captures the sexual objectification of women. The following is excerpted from Saslow’s piece:

“Up until recently, only hard core track devotees had noticed Stokke. Then, in early May 2007, she received emails from friends who warned that a year-old picture of Allison idly adjusting her hair at a track meet had been plastered across the Internet. Suddenly she had more than 1,000 new messages on her MySpace page. A three minute video of Stokke analyzing her performance at another meet had been posted on YouTube and viewed 150,000 times…..

Shortly after this a fan on a Cal football message board posted a picture of the attractive, athletic pole vaulter. A popular sports blogger in New York found the picture and posted it on his site. Dozens of other bloggers picked up the same image and spread it. Within days, hundreds of thousands of Internet users had searched for Stokke’s picture and leered.

On May 8^th blogger Matt Ufford received Stokke’s picture in an email from one of his readers and he reacted on instinct. She was hot. She was 18. Readers of Ufford’s, WithLeather.com – a sports blog heavy on comedy, opinion and sometimes sex – would love her. The picture, taken by a track and field journalist, was part of a report on a California prep track web site. The photo was hardly sexually explicit. At 5 feet, 7 Stokke has smooth, olive colored skin and toned muscles. In the photo, her vaulting pole rests on her right shoulder. Her right hand appears to be adjusting her ponytail. Her spandex uniform – black shorts and a white tank top that are standard for a track athlete – reveals a bare midriff.

Each month Ufford’s sports blog attracts almost 1 million visitors, 18 to 35 year-old males, with tongue in cheek items about the things they love: athletes and beautiful women. Stokke was “a no-brainer to write about,” said Ufford who posted her picture with a four paragraph blurb” MEET POLE VAULTER ALLISON STOKKE …HUBBA, HUBBA, HUBBA AND OTHER GRUNTING SOUNDS.

“I understand there are certain people who are put off immediately by the tone of my blog,” Ufford said. “Every week, there’s somebody who takes offense to something, but that’s part of being a comedy writer.” (Sounds just like Imus to me. Hey, want to have some fun? Let’s find some attractive female athletes that we can turn into sexual objects).

How’s this for fun Mr. Ufford: Stokke read on message boards that dozens of strangers had her picture as the background image on their computers. A search for her name on Yahoo revealed almost 310,000 hits! She felt violated. It was like becoming the victim of a crime, Stokke said. Her body had been stolen and turned into a public commodity, critiqued in fan forums devoted to everything from hip-hop to Hollywood….On her unofficial Allison Stokke fan page, (www.allisonstokke.com) you can see a rolling photo slide show of her, talk to any of the 1000 member fan group on MySpace, use the associated message boards and chat forums where hundreds of anonymous users looked at Stokke’s picture and posted their sexual fantasies. (Now that’s great fun, Mr. Ufford! I wonder how much you’d be enjoying all these extra hits on your site if Allison was your daughter)

Stokke’s response to all this unwanted, distorted sexual attention: “Even if none of it is illegal, it just all feels really demeaning. I worked so hard for pole vaulting and all this other stuff, and it’s almost like that doesn’t matter. Nobody sees that. Nobody really sees ME.” (Are we having fun yet?)

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT SEXISM IN SPORTS?

If you don’t believe that sexism is that big an issue for female athletes, then how would you explain what happened to Allison’s Stokke? Her story is quite troubling and clearly illuminates the sexual objectification of today’s female athlete. As a male, it may be very difficult for you to understand the plight of today’s female athlete. In fact, most young men are totally unaware that their behaviors and testosterone fueled reactions may be sexist or demeaning to women. When my athletic, social activist younger daughter Julee points out sexist comments and behaviors to her male friends, they first respond with confusion and then denial that the issue is that important. They tell her that she’s being overly sensitive. Bottom line: Sexism isn’t that much of a problem for the group that isn’t the target of it!

As men, we are given a birth right of privileges that are extremely easy to take for granted. In fact, we are mostly unaware of these advantages in much the same way that whites are unaware of all the benefits that they experience in our society for the color of their skin. Just because we might be unaware of these advantages doesn’t mean that we don’t benefit from them.

In fact, many men adopt the attitude, “because I’m not a girl/woman, it isn’t my issue.” It’s the old, “since it’s not about me, it doesn’t affect me” routine. Unless you go through a gender change operation, it’s perfectly reasonable to assume that as a man, you can never really know what it’s like to feel oppressed from the female perspective. However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t learn to be more sensitive to and empathize more with the plight of the female athlete. The fact of the matter is that every male has family member who is female. At the very least your mother, and more than likely, your sister, a cousin, niece and/or maybe even your own daughter. How do you want the women in your life to feel in relation to men in the world? How do you want them to feel about themselves and being female? How would you have felt if Allison Stokke was your daughter, sister or niece? If you can’t empathize with female athletes in general, then perhaps you can at least put yourself in the shoes of these female members of your family.

Simply having more of an awareness of this issue and what young women have to struggle with today will make you someone who is part of the solution rather than someone who is continuing to knowingly or unknowingly fuel the problem. Empathizing or being able to step into another’s shoes and feel what she is feeling, will also tremendously help. As males in this society we are socialized to be somewhat insensitive to the feelings of others, especially those of the opposite sex. We have been trained at a very early age to not pay as much attention to emotions in general, and have also been covertly encouraged to pay far more attention to our own needs rather than others’. Being too caught up in ourselves tremendously distorts our view of the world and tends to make us intolerant of others. This self-centered view of the world will not make you a better human being. On the contrary, it will leave you handicapped and basically out of touch with yourself and others.

If you’re a male athlete or coach and you’d like to have a positive impact on this sexism issue by doing something radical, here are some suggestions:

Male athletes:

• Make a serious effort to watch the language that you use when you are talking with other guys about women, or when you’re talking with women.

• Be aware of and eliminate using female terms in a derogatory manner to describe a teammate’s or other male athletes, i.e. “he’s a girl,” “he hits like a lady.”

• Understand that women’s sports at your school have equal value to the women competing as the men’s sports have to you.

• Be respectful of female athletes.

• Treat all girls and women the way you would want others to treat your mother, sister, cousin, niece, daughter, etc.

• Regularly attend women’s competitions. They support you, why shouldn’t you support them.

• Have the courage to stop other males from being sexist and demeaning to female athletes.

• Do not get into comparing yourself/competing with female athletes as a way to reassure yourself that you are better.

• Appreciate the dedication, drive and hard work that female athletes put into their sport and training.

• Remember, just being male doesn’t automatically make you a superior athlete.

Male coaches working with male athletes:

• Stop referring to your male athletes as “girls,” “ladies” and “sissies” when they don’t play hard or tough enough. This kind of language simply continues the negative stereotyping of women and unconsciously reinforces sexist attitudes in all of the athletes who are listening to you.

• Do not use female names to humiliate your male athletes, i.e. “Did everybody see how aggressively Sally went for that tackle? She sure is a toughee!”

• Try to control your own anxiety and gender training when one of your male athletes is in emotional and/or physical pain. Remember that a show of emotion is NOT a sign of physical and/or mental weakness. Crying is something that normal, well adjusted human beings do.

• Do not embarrass or humiliate your athletes for a show of emotion by comparing them to girls.

• Encourage your team to support female sports in your school. Have your athletes regularly attend women’s games.

• Model this supportive attitude by regularly supporting female sports yourself.

• Teach your athletes to watch women’s sports as a different game than the men play, not a lesser quality one.

• Demonstrate in this and every way that you can that you as a coach value athleticism regardless of gender.

• Encourage a genuine mutual support and respect among your players for women athletes.

• Don’t patronize the female athlete. Know that these athletes are working just as hard as your male players and deserve an equal shot at their dream.

• Set up practices for your team where you occasionally work out with the women’s team. This should never be done in a competitive way.

• Encourage your athletes to view the women’s team as a part of their team. Both teams play for the same school and this attitude fosters mutual support, respect and encouragement of developing athleticism.

Male coaches working with female athletes:

• Expect just as much from your female players as you do from the males.

• Continually challenge your female athletes to excel and get better.

• Do not assume that just because there may be more visible emotion around that your female athletes are weaker and/or less committed.

• Give your athletes permission to be aggressive and competitive by directly teaching them how to play with aggression and to feel good about it.

• Create a safe environment on the team for individuals to improve, excel and be competitive without a fear of resentment, jealousy or social reprisal from less talented teammates.

• Don’t refer to your athletes as “girls” or “ladies.” These terms are continually being used in negative ways in our society and can be experienced as demeaning, (unless it’s coming from a female coach). Instead, refer to them by name or simply call them “women” or “young women.”

• Contact the coach of the male team and arrange to occasionally train with them.

• Set a powerful example in how you interact with and coach these young women that you sincerely value them as committed, dedicated athletes.

• Be respectful, professional and appropriate in all of your interactions with your players.

• Avoid sexually inappropriate language and behavior with your athletes.

• Avoid focusing on or discussing the female athlete’s weight or appearance.