FUN, PASSION & BURNOUT
November, 2008
Volume #10 Issue #2
COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE
PRESENTS
THE MENTAL TOUGHNESS NEWSLETTER
Fall 2008
Dr. Alan Goldberg
IN THIS ISSUE: FUN, PASSION & BURNOUT – What happens when your passion and enjoyment for the sport make a beeline for the door and do a disappearing act? In the October 19th issue of the New York Times, Jere Longman wrote a troubling, yet eye-opening story about basketball phenomenon, Elena Delle Donne’s startling decision this past June to give up her full basketball scholarship to the University of Connecticut, return home and play volleyball for the University of Delaware.
At 6’ 5,” Delle Donne was the nation’s top female high school basketball player, a signee with Gino Auriemma’s UConn Huskies, perennially one of the top women’s basketball programs in the country. Many pundits considered Delle Donne to be the next great female player, another Candace Parker, (former Tennessee Lady Vols superstar and current WNBA standout). She was equally comfortable from beyond the 3 point line as she was inside the lane. By the time she was 7, she was playing on a team with 11 year olds. By 8th grade, she was all-state at Ursuline Academy. She was such a prodigious talent that she received her first college scholarship offer when she was in 7th grade!
At a young age, Elena had decided that she wanted to be the best female basketball player in the country. A highly self-motivated kid, she’d get herself up at 6:00 in the morning to run, lift weights and practice. Her discipline and efforts paid off: She led Ursuline Academy to four state titles and found herself on the very doorstep of her dreams, a college scholarship to UConn, a potential springboard to the WNBA and the proven reputation as one of the very best talents to come along in a very long time. So how is it that with all of her goals within her reach, she decided to give it all up and instead play volleyball, a sport that she was a rank beginner in?
Delle Donne claimed that she was “burnt out” on basketball….at the ripe old age of 18! She was no longer having fun. “Playing” wasn’t enjoyable anymore. For her, the beginning of the end seemed to start somewhere around 13. This is when Elena first noticed a lack of fulfillment, of not really enjoying the game as much as all of her other teammates. Initially this was confusing to her given that she was the one who was the star of the team. Shouldn’t she be having even more fun than everyone else? Her discontent quietly grew over the next several years as she continued to relentlessly push herself to be the best. Fueling her slowly escalating unhappiness was the nagging question of “why am I really doing this?” She was starting to have trouble understanding what the purpose was of all of her efforts. Basketball had stopped being fun long ago and had now taken on the feel of a job that she was doing for no pay.
She took the entire summer off before her senior year and played her last year of high school more out of obligation to her teammates than out of a love for the game. She missed part of this 2007-8 senior season when she got mononucleosis and claimed she missed her teammates more than the basketball. In June, after graduating, she enrolled at UConn, but several days later, left Storrs to go back home. Her dad felt like some of her decision was caused by homesickness. Delle Donne’s explanation: She realized that she no longer possessed the level of commitment required for success in that kind of program and, more important, “I was sick of being unhappy!”
From the outside looking in, one could stand there slack-jawed and simply incredulous at her decision. Here she is, the best female collegiate recruit in the country walking away from a free education and a chance to play round ball for one of the best college programs in the game! How could she possess that much talent and give it all up? The chance to win NCAA championships, perhaps play for the national team, to garner all kinds of glory, prestige and recognition, and then maybe even move up to the big time, the WNBA! What she did was almost sacrilegious! Un-American! How could she throw all that away just because she wasn’t having fun! FUN!???? Are you kidding me? Fun? This isn’t supposed to be fun! This is basketball we’re talking about here! This isn’t about FUN! This is serious stuff!
Well, all I can say about Elena Delle Donne’s decision is,……“YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!” Mega-kudos to her for having the courage to trust herself, listen to her feelings and follow her heart, despite the fact that she was probably confusing and/or disappointing a boatload of people. Most other athletes in her situation would have crumbled under the immense social pressure and forced themselves to continue to play, regardless of the fact that they were miserable inside. They would have been far more concerned about everyone else’s feelings rather than their own. Thankfully, Elena had the self-awareness to understand that at its’ core, the game of basketball is all about passion and fun, and if those two critical ingredients are missing, then something is very, very wrong and you had either better fix the problem or get yourself out! There are many things that we have to do in our lives that are unpleasant and even noxious. Playing basketball or any sport should not be included in this list!
You can’t do anything great in your life and especially in sports unless you are passionate and enthusiastic about what you are doing. You have to love your sport and enjoy the heck out of every aspect of it. Delle Donne clearly started out like this and then, somewhere along the way, she lost it. In my humble opinion, her decision to walk away from everything was both gutsy and incredibly healthy.
Now other people reading about her may say that Elena simply copped out. She quit! She just should’ve sucked it up, put her “nose to the grindstone” and “worked through” this issue. How many other athletes in her situation, with all that potential and a full scholarship to such a basketball powerhouse would’ve just bagged it like she did?! I mean, what’s wrong with this kid? Then there’s all the other “experts” who might say that she just needed to be mentally tougher.
Anyone who couldn’t understand how Delle Donne could possibly get to the decision that she did, has lost sight of one, critically important fact: Elena Delle Donne is not an inanimate object! She is, instead a living, breathing, feeling individual! When it comes to elite athletes and competitive sports, coaches, sports fans and sometimes even parents tend to lose sight of this and one other, critically important fact: When all is said and done, the athlete’s long term emotional well being and happiness are what’s really important here, not whether the athlete is performing the way she is supposed to.
Being “mentally tougher,” “sucking it up” or “working through” her so-called lack of commitment have absolutely nothing to do with Elena’s situation as I understand it. Here we have a highly motivated, self-driven athlete who had absolutely no problem toughing things out or pushing herself for almost 12 years! This was never her problem. In fact, it was her discipline and mental toughness which enabled her to reach such a high level of excellence.
If anything constructive should come out of Elena’s story, it should be to help us understand why this situation happened in the first place. How could someone who started out with such an intensity and love for this game reach a point where by 18, she was totally and completely burnt out? We don’t have to look too far for the answers to this question.
There’s a joke that’s told by “baby boomer” athletes who had the luxury, when they were just kids, to go off with gloves, bat and a ball and play for hours, totally uninterrupted by anyone resembling an adult. Nowadays if you take a group kids and send them off by themselves to play “pick up” baseball, within 30 seconds an adult will show up, organize them into a team, get them all uniforms and then start them playing in a competitive league. Kids just can’t seem to just play sports today for fun without it being organized into something “more meaningful” and serious. This is one part of the problem. There is far too much at stake when kids compete. The mostly well-meaning adults involved have made the games too important.
A bigger part of the problem however, is the specialization that we see creeping into youth sports. That is, kids are under ever increasing pressure to choose a sport very early on and just play that sport, 24/7/365 to the exclusion of all others. What this means is that more and more young athletes are forced to do one thing, too much, too early and for too long. As a consequence, by the time they get to be mid-teens, they are totally burnt out on the sport. For example, parents of the 7 year old soccer prodigy who has been labeled by his coach to have “massive potential” are told that, in order for him to reach all of that potential and make the “A” travel team, and then go on to make the “AA” Select travel team, which will then put him in a position, when he’s a little older to then make the Junior National “AAA” select, select team, which would then put him on track to get a Division I college scholarship to a soccer powerhouse, that he must give up Little League baseball, recreational basketball and play soccer 12 months of the year. Forget the fact that he’s just 7! The parents are made to feel that if their son doesn’t play soccer in this way, if the parents continue to allow him to “waste time” playing different sports, then they will be jeopardizing his chances of reaching his true soccer potential.
This sense of urgency communicated by the coaches, cause many parents to stop trusting their own judgment about what’s too much. As a consequence, they encourage their child to also specialize, simultaneously discouraging time “wasted” playing other, “less important” sports. One problem with this early specialization is the potential for repetitive motion/overuse injuries. Too much time spent playing just one sport year round does not allow ample enough time for the young athlete’s developing body to rest and recover. This is one of the main reasons why there has been such an epidemic of ACL and MCL injuries for adolescent females playing soccer, basketball and other sports. Of course, the other problem with all of this intense specialization is that it doesn’t allow for mental and emotional breaks from the sport. By the time the young athlete hits 12 and 13 years of age he/she may have been competing at an intense level for almost 6 years, traveling all over the United States or even further! All of this intense competition too early drains the fun out of the sport and makes it more like a serious chore than the fun it’s supposed to be. This is why athletes like Delle Donne end up losing their purpose in playing and prematurely burning out.
In this issue of The Mental Toughness Newsletter I’d like to examine the interplay of FUN, PASSION and BURNOUT and what you might be able to constructively do about keeping the sport fun for the long haul.
ATHLETE’S LOCKER - “Why PLAY your sport?”
PARENTS’ CORNER - “Is your child-athlete burnt out? If so, what should you do about it?”
THE COACH’S OFFICE - “Managing the athlete struggling with burnout”
DR. G’s TEACHING TALES - “In the face of potential burnout”
ATHLETE’S LOCKER
“Why PLAY your sport?”
What’s your motivation as an athlete to participate in your sport? Why are you investing all of this time, energy and sacrifice? If you drive yourself to get up at ungodly hours, to continuously push yourself through the pain and fatigue of oxygen debt from hard training, towards what end are you ultimately aiming? Are you doing this for yourself or for others? Does the fear of disappointing family and coaches keep you shackled to your sport and “motivated” to work hard? Or is your training fueled by 100% passion and love, rather than obligation?
WHY you play is critically important to your learning and growth as an athlete, not to mention your performance health. If you are participating for the wrong reasons, if your heart isn’t into what you’re doing, if you train out of guilt, then you are setting yourself up for numerous performance problems and a boat load of unhappiness.
So why should you play your sport? Your answer could include any number of reasons, but the one thing that each reason should have woven through it is very basic: You should be playing BECAUSE YOU WANT TO! So maybe you’re in it because you want to make the varsity team. Perhaps you want to prove to the coach that you’re good enough. Maybe you have your eyes on a college scholarship. Then again, maybe you want to earn yourself a starting position on the team. You may want to qualify for a regional or national team or earn a national time standard. You may even have a dream to take it all to the next level, to go pro. Then again, you might just have this desire to get as good as you possibly can in the sport. Your main reason for playing could even be much more basic than all of these. You might not have any defined goals other than that you enjoy the heck out of the sport and it makes you feel good about yourself.
Regardless of why you play, the right reasons for your participation all involve YOU and what YOU want. The right reasons should have virtually nothing to do with making other people happy or proud of you. That may indeed happen along the way as an unintended byproduct. However, you shouldn’t have to perform well and go far in your sport just to make your parents proud of you. They should be proud of you JUST BECAUSE you are who you are, their son or daughter. They should love you for the unique and special person that you are in their lives. If you feel that you have to perform in order to earn their pride or love, then I think there’s something very wrong in the way that they’re viewing you and the world. If you think you’re more lovable or worthy when you play better, go faster or win versus when you struggle or fail, then again, there’s something very wrong with this picture!
Sports should provide all of us with a wonderful arena to grow, emotionally, physically and socially. They provide us with an arena to be able to challenge and prove ourselves. The proving should be for YOU and your own benefit, not for the benefit of others. When monitored by appropriate coaches and parents, sports challenge us to be better human beings, to learn to handle hardships and adversities, to master failures and bounce back from setbacks. They teach us to value hard work and a commitment to excellence. They help us to set aside our selfish needs and ego for the good of the team. They train us to value fair play and sportsmanship. But above everything else, sports should always provide the athlete with a dependable vehicle to have fun and experience passion!
Remember, your fun and the passion for playing is the fuel that will keep you going. It’s the glue that binds you to your sport over the long haul. It’s what will enable you to keep on keeping on when the going gets tough. Your fun and passion give your efforts and investment in the sport a meaning and direction. Without the fun and passion you’ll never quite reach your goals and, like Elena Delle Donne, if for some reason you actually do get there, then their accomplishment won’t mean much of anything to you. The bottom line is simple: When your fun and passion leave the sport, you’ll lose your way. You will be burnt out. At that point, you basically have both feet out the door.
What I’m saying here is that you have to carefully assess why you’re playing and who you’re playing for. If, in this process, you discover that regardless of the level that you’ve achieved, you are unhappy, that the fun has left your sport, that you no longer look forward to playing and instead dread it as an uncomfortable chore, then you know that it’s time to take a serious look at whether you should leave/retire.
What’s at stake here is your mental health and happiness. You don’t want to compromise this for anyone. If you are unsure about your commitment or whether you should retire or not, then find someone who you can trust to talk with. Make sure that this person is impartial and has your best interests in mind. This can be a person in or outside of your sport. Do not continue to play if your participation is being fueled by guilt and obligation. Get out and then find something else that you can be passionate about and have fun with.
PARENTS’ CORNER
“Is your child-athlete burnt out? If so, what should you do about it?”
Let’s start off with the proper perspective here: Why should your child-athlete participate in his/her sport? What function should it play in your son or daughter’s life? Maintaining a healthy perspective of why your child competes will always help you make good decisions in relation to his/her sport and happiness and well-being while playing it.
So why exactly should your child participate? There could be tons of good reasons: He loves the sport. She has fun in practice and likes hanging with her friends. He wants to make the varsity squad. She wants to get her Triple A cuts. He would like to play in college, maybe even get a scholarship. She wants to go to the Olympics, Etc.
Simply put, your child-athlete should play for any number of reasons, all of which revolve around what he/she wants. The most important perspective a parent can have about their son or daughter’s sport is that the activity belongs totally to the child and that its’ main purpose is for socialization, learning and, most important, fun. It’s the FUN in the sport that is the glue which keeps your child coming back for more. It’s the FUN which will enable your child-athlete to learn faster and perform better. When your child stops having fun, problems will usually follow.
Keeping this perspective in mind, parents can then understand the peripheral, support role that they must play in order for their child to have a healthy and happy sports experience. Parents must make the sport possible financially and logistically for their child. They must get the child to and from practices and games. They must pay the necessary fees for coaching and equipment. When requested, they should volunteer to help out the program and/or the coach. They should make it easy for their child to participate. They should monitor their child’s eating and sleeping, schoolwork, behaviors and other important aspects of their life so that the sport fits in comfortably without interfering with all of these other crucial components of the child’s life.
However, through this parental management, moms and dads must understand that their role does not involve supervising their child’s practicing, critiquing the child’s practices and performances, forcing extra unwanted training on the child, or, to sum, intrusively micro-managing every aspect of their child’s sport. It’s not the parent’s job to serve as the main source of motivation for their child or to force what they think their child’s goals should be onto him/her. Your child’s goals should come NOT from you but from them.
It’s from this perspective that the main purpose of the sport is to provide fun and learning for the child that a parent is in the best position to closely monitor whether their child is a candidate for burnout. When parents or coaches deviate from understanding the true purpose of youth sports, when they instead let their competitive or ego needs get in the way of the child-athlete’s learning and experience, then problems and unhappiness ensue. An example:
Yesterday I got a concerned email from a father of a 10 year old lacrosse player. The boy absolutely loved the sport, had been playing for almost 5 years, but was suddenly having problems playing relaxed and aggressive during his games. The problems stemmed from a game much earlier in the season in which the boy made a mistake and was immediately benched by his coach. For the remainder of the season, the coach kept the boy off the field except for one or two minutes a game. Naturally the young athlete was totally devastated by the coach’s refusal to play him. Those times that boy was put in, he was so preoccupied with not making mistakes that he was virtually paralyzed on the field.
Why would a coach bench a 10 year old for making a mistake and then refuse to give him only one or two minutes a game the rest of the season? The answer to me is obvious. This coach has his priorities totally screwed up. He is not focused on his young athletes’ experiences and feelings, but selfishly on his own. He does not really care about teaching the game to these kids, he cares about winning. Let me state the obvious: 10 year olds are NOT collegiate or professional athletes. 10 year olds are little boys and girls who are just learning the game and, as such, are quite vulnerable both emotionally and psychologically. Like everyone else, little boys learn by making mistakes. You can’t do it any other way. What kind of a lesson is this coach teaching this young boy? That making mistakes is NOT part of the learning process? That failure is unacceptable? That winning is the most important thing? Whatever lessons he’s teaching, the end product of them is emotionally crippling this little boy.
When parents or coaches lose their perspective in this way and substitute the goal of winning in place of the child’s learning, growth and happiness, then the child-athlete becomes a youth sport casualty. If the situation continues, this little boy will soon burn out of lacrosse unless his coach miraculously changes his policies/attitudes or his dad finds him a healthier learning and playing environment. The really sad thing about a story like this is that the 10 year olds experiences may possibly end up coloring how he feels about himself in other sports.
As a parent, how do you know if your child-athlete is at risk for burnout? An easy litmus test for you is to closely monitor their enjoyment of the sport. Are they having fun? Do they look forward to going to practice and games/competitions? Are they still passionate about the sport? Does practicing and playing bring them happiness and make them feel good about themselves. Usually when your child is having fun and loves what he/she is doing, then they are in no danger whatsoever to burn out.
You only need to be concerned when their answers to a lot of the above questions are in the negative. If they hate going to practice, if they continually come away from their games miserable and unhappy, if they continuously question why they’re even bothering playing, if they always seem to have sudden, mysterious physical reasons why they can’t play today, if they regularly try to pick fights with you around the sport, if they bitterly complain about the coach, if they are getting sick more than usual, if they don’t seem like their usual self anymore, if they seem more depressed, then chances are pretty good that your child is at risk of burning out.
So now what?
First off, sit down with your son/daughter and ask what is going on for him/her. i.e., “How are you feeling about the sport lately? You don’t seem so happy anymore. You seem to have lost your fire, your motivation. What do you think is going on? Are you feeling like you need to take a vacation from it?” After asking these kinds of questions you want to quietly sit back and listen very carefully. Set aside your needs and interests and simply listen to what your child is telling you. While they are talking to you, don’t try to figure out ways to fix the problem and keep your child in the sport. JUST LISTEN.
It may be that they need a physical break from the sport. With all of the pressure to specialize in one sport and play that sport almost year round, many kids don’t ever end up getting ample enough time off. The problem may be simply solved by having your child take several weeks or a month or two off. Better yet, burnout can often be combated by having your child take a break and do a different sport(s). I think that competing in more than one sport provides an athlete with a good balance both physically and psychologically. At some point, in mid-adolescence the athlete may be forced to make a decision as to which sport they want to dedicate all of their training time to. However, until then, having a second sport to go to, breaks up both the intensity and monotony caused by over-focusing on just one sport.
You have to carefully assess, based on what your child is telling you, whether you as the parent need to encourage them to hang in there through this difficult time, or to get them to begin to consider leaving the sport. You should only encourage a child to stick with the sport when you’re clear that their reasons for quitting have absolutely nothing to do with a loss of passion, lack of fun and burnout. For example, they may simply be discouraged from a slump or string of recent failures. Or they may be having a specific performance problem that has temporarily eclipsed the fun that they used to have. To clarify if this is indeed the case with your child-athlete, ask them, “If you were performing better, not blocked, not afraid, etc. would you still want to quit?” If they answer “no,” then you know as the parent that your job is to encourage them to persist. However, if their response to these kinds of questions is that performing better and being unstuck wouldn’t change their experience at all, then you know that your job needs to be to help them exit gracefully from the sport.
Similarly, if your child has had ample breaks from the sport and is still unhappy, is still questioning his/her commitment, then you as the parent need to help them address the issue of leaving the sport either temporarily or permanently. If your child has lost his/her way, no longer has the passion to play, approaches the sport as a painful chore, then you need to help them figure out a way to pursue their happiness somewhere else. In this case what they need most from you are your blessings. Do not make your child feel guilty for leaving the sport. Do not make him/her feel like a quitter, especially if over the years, they have dedicated themselves to the sport. Do not wax nostalgic over what “could have been,” over how much they could accomplish if only they’d “hang in there a little longer.” Similarly, do NOT ever tell them that “this is a decision that you’ll regret the rest of your life.” If they are truly burnt out, unhappy and passionless about the sport, the very last thing that they should be doing is “hanging in there.” Above all else, help your son or daughter understand that what is most important to you is their happiness.
THE COACH’S OFFICE
“Managing the athlete struggling with burnout”
Good coaching has its’ foundation in the personal relationship that you develop with each and every one of your athletes. The very best coaches take the time necessary to get to really know their players as individuals, to try to understand what makes them tick and to figure out what ways are best to reach them. This kind of relationship-based coaching values the sensitivity and feelings of your athletes. This doesn’t mean that you need to coddle them. What it does mean is that you consider them as living, breathing, feeling organisms and that you take the time to care about them.
Now that might sound quite obvious to you, but, based on the way some coaches regularly interact with and treat their players, it’s not! There are some individuals out there “coaching” at the youth sport to high school level who would be far better served if they were working with inanimate objects rather than preadolescent and adolescent kids. These coaches do not understand nor give a hoot about relationship-based coaching. They do not listen to their players, nor care about their feelings or concerns. These individuals are like the proverbial “bull-in-the-china-shop” when it comes to their athletes’ emotional and psychological well being. These kinds of coaches are poor communicators and view coaching as a one way street: The coach talks and the athletes listen. The coach demands action and the athletes deliver, regardless of what is being asked.
Good coaches manage to keep their players emotional health and happiness as a top priority, even as they demand that their athletes make a commitment to hard work and the pursuit of excellence. Good coaches do not make winning so important that they lose sight of the individual needs, vulnerabilities and concerns of their players. While they very much want to field a winning team, they do not do this at the expense of their players’ mental and physical health. Sometimes this puts the coach in a very awkward position because what may sometimes be best for the individual comes at the expense of the entire team. This is certainly the case when you have a really talented player who is struggling with his/her reasons for continuing to play the sport.
The seeds of burnout can be found when the athlete stops having fun in practice and competition. Suddenly the athlete begins to question why he/she is working so hard as the training process takes on a sense of pointless drudgery. Goals which used to excite the athlete no longer seem meaningful. The player spends practice time wishing he/she was somewhere else. Motivation wanes and unhappiness increases.
Sometimes these “burnout symptoms” can be caused by performance slumps or problems. The athlete’s continued poor showing causes him/her to get discouraged and lose interest. Or the athlete’s repetitive performance problems fuels intense anxiety and thus avoidance. In these situations, the coach must be able to ferret out what is really going on for the athlete. What is the real source of this player’s unhappiness and lack of motivation? You can’t do this as a coach without taking ample enough time to carefully listen to your athlete’s story. If it becomes clear that the desire to leave the sport is a result of performance problems or slumps, then the coach should take it upon him/herself to try to keep the athlete in the sport by helping him/her through these problems. Wanting to leave a sport because of performance fears or blocks, while understandable, is not a good enough reason to pack your bags. The coach should try everything in his/her power to encourage the athlete to stay and work through his/her frustrations.
However, if the athlete is not struggling with any repetitive performance problems, if he/she simply has lost the desire to play, if the athlete is unable to find any meaning or joy in the sport, then the coach has a very different task in front of him/her. You have to help that athlete make the healthiest decision he/she possibly can. To do this you as the coach must understand what’s really important here: Your athlete; NOT the problems your team will experience without him/her. Take some time to sit down with the player and listen to what he/she has to say about the sport. Listen to his/her feelings. Then encourage your athlete to follow his/her heart, to make a decision that will help that individual find happiness again, even if it means leaving the team and the sport. Don’t encourage an athlete to stay when he/she is clearly burnt out.
Try to really listen to what your player is saying though his/her model of the world, NOT through your own. Many of us make the mistake of quickly putting ourselves in our players’ shoes and then thinking about what we would have done to deal with the situation. There may be occasional times when this approach can be helpful. However, you will be far more helpful, more often to your athletes if you can simply listen to what they are saying through their model of the world, not your own. Put yourself in their shoes and try to feel what they are feeling.
Remember what’s at stake here. This is not about the X’s and O’s. It’s not about the winning season or championships! Instead, it’s all about your relationship with that player. You are in a very powerful position with your athletes and have an opportunity to truly help them in their lives. One of the things that very successful coaches repeatedly tell me is how often they hear from their old players. These athletes graduate, go into the workforce, go on and have a family and yet they continue to call, send letters or emails and photos to the coach. Why? Isn’t it obvious? That coach made a significant, positive impact on the young athlete’s life through the sport and this impact transcended the sport. That coach took the time to care about that kid enough to build a solid, mutually respectful relationship with him/her. The athlete felt that caring and truly appreciated it. By continuing to contact his/her old coach, that athlete is saying, “you made a significant difference in my life and I greatly appreciate all that you did for me.”
So when you’re faced with a kid who seems lost, an athlete who has lost his desire and truly seems like he needs your permission to move on, take the time to sit down with him and, where appropriate, give him your blessings to move on to try something else. In the process, you might even want to further encourage him by letting him know that you think he has what it takes to be successful in anything that he puts his heart into.
DR. G’s TEACHING TALES
“In the face of potential burnout”
Condensed from a story by Bob Harig – Special to ESPN.com
Why should your kids play sports? Because they want to! Operative word, THEY. There’s no question that driving your kids relentlessly may, in fact help your child achieve a high level of success in his sport. However, this kind of aggressive, overly intrusive parental role will ultimately cost you and your child big time. If it doesn’t drive your child-athlete completely out of the sport, it will drive a wedge between you and him that can last a lifetime. Witness the story of PGA golfer, Sean O’Hair.
Recently, the 25 year old O’Hair won the PODS Championship this past Sunday capturing his second PGA Tour title. His wife and two children were there, his father-in-law was desperately trying to reach him on the phone and conspicuously absent was his overbearing and allegedly abusive father, Marc. Over the years, the older O’Hair had mercilessly driven his son to excel in this game to the point where the two now no longer speak.
The stories, to this day, are legendary. Fellow players remembered Marc verbally abusing his son on and off the golf course. At American Junior Golf Association events, O'Hair would make his son run a mile for bogeys or every stroke he finished over par. After his junior year in high school, O'Hair turned pro and went on the road with his dad, logging mile after brutal mile to find and play pro golf tournaments. That's when father and son traveled the country, competing in mini-tour events, with Marc in the role of cook, caddie and chauffer. But the lifestyle was brutal, Sean began every day at 5 a.m., running and lifting weights. As the boy continued to flounder, performance-wise, the pressure and verbal abuse mounted. As a teenager, he had signed a contract requiring him to pay 10 percent of any earnings to his father. In an interview with "60 Minutes II,” Marc admitted that he viewed his son as a commodity. "I was in business 20-plus years, and I know how to make a profit," he told the newsmagazine show in 2002. "You've got the same old thing -- it's material, labor and overhead. He's pretty good labor."
"The thing about my dad is that, in his own twisted way, he did the best he could for me," the younger O'Hair said in a 2005 Golf World story that appeared shortly after he earned his PGA Tour card. "But anyone who has the right perspective thinks he's crazy."
O'Hair's life changed for the better when he met Jackie Lucas, whom he married in 2002. Lucas' father, Steve, was his caddie "to help get me comfortable on the PGA Tour," said O'Hair, who has not spoken to his father since the wedding. Jackie caddied for Sean on various mini-tours, using wedding-gift money to pay for tournament entry fees, basically playing to subsist. Now, more than $7 million in prize money later, it is about focusing on his new family and trying to make a somewhat normal future for himself.
In a recent fax which claimed to release his son from all financial contracts, Marc O’Hair attempted to defend his actions. “Even though Sean must sooner or later assume responsibilities for his own actions, I will bail him out of another one of his problems by releasing him from liability concerning the contracts … he is free … he owes me nothing,” The fax went on, “Because I love Sean, I put a long-term plan together and financed it, producing one of the best young players in the world. I demanded long hours and a commitment to excellence that I do not regret.”
In what sounded like a lame attempt at an apology, O’Hair went on, “… As a rookie parent, I didn’t recognize the problem and we had a very painful split. It wasn’t until after Sean’s marriage that I realized that he simply needed his independence from me and wanted his own space with his woman to spread his eagle wings and fly. But Sean and his wife, in almost a vindictive tantrum, began a media assault a couple of years ago that has branded me forever. I wish Sean had just given me a call to tell me how bitter he was and why he was so bitter instead of unfairly bashing me in the press. There were so many twisted truths and outright lies told about me in the media.”
The fact that Sean O’Hair didn’t flame out of golf is in itself a miracle. That he still maintains his love and enjoyment to play the sport well at a professional level after all he went through takes this miracle and elevates it to a higher power. The saddest part of this story however is the loss that both father and son must endure because of the father’s long term, totally insensitive, abusive and out-of-control behavior. Whether he did this out of “love” or his own twisted notion of how one parents a son, Marc’s behavior is textbook “WHAT NOT TO DO” for any sport parent.
If you lose sight of your primary role as a father or mother, if you get blinded by your own ambition and need to raise a “winner,” if you insensitively treat your child as a commodity, if you link their lovability and self-worth in your eyes with how well they perform or how hard that they work, then sooner or later, there will be long term hell to pay. Instead, love your children unconditionally. Help them keep their perspective that sports are just games to learn from and enjoy. And above all else, help them understand that nothing is more important than your relationship with your child and their happiness.