LOVE YOUR CHILDREN IN A WAY THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR ATHLETIC PERFORMANCE
You're NOT being "helpful" when you push your children athletically. You're NOT going to inspire them to athletic greatness when you get angry at them after a bad/disappointing performance. You're NOT going to motivate them by being on their case relentlessly and forcing them to do extra, unwanted cross training and practicing. You're NOT going to improve their tactics or technique by regularly "coaching" them by critiquing after practices and competitions.
Instead, what YOU WILL DO is add extra stress to their lives, make it impossible for them to relax and perform to their potential, contribute to their performance problems and make them a candidate for premature burnout/dropout! And none of the above even touches what a negative affect all of your "help" will have on how they feel about and their relationship with you!
What your children most need from you in relation to their competitive sports is for you to be their parents and love them unconditionally in a way that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW THEY PERFORM IN THE ATHLETIC ARENA. If you have any investment in wanting your children to reach their athletic potential and be emotionally happy and stable human beings in the world, then you will pay close attention to my words.
Most repetitive performance problems that I run into in my work are fueled by the athlete's secret worries that he/she is disappointing mom and/or dad. This worry generates powerful anxiety in the athlete that disrupts their focus of concentration, tightens their muscles and guarantees that their performance will be consistently below par.
No child (of any age) can perform well when they feel that their self-worth and lovability in their parents' eyes is at stake. If you actively show your disappointment, anger, frustration or displeasure with your child after they fail or struggle, then this is exactly what you are communicating to them: "Perform or else I will not love you as much."
Instead, you need to learn to emotionally "hold" your children the way you once did when they were first born. You were in awe of the little miracles that they were back then and unconditionally loving. When your children were that small, they did not have to perform for your love and acceptance. You just naturally and happily gave it. Your relationship with them was not complicated or compromised by something as ultimately insignificant (in the long run) as their athletic performance.
When you watch your child from the stands or sidelines today, you must get back in touch with "holding them" in that same, uncomplicated, loving manner. "Hold" them and love them in a way that has nothing to do with their sport or how well they do. Do not make them perform for your love. Do not burden them with the responsibility of having to make you happy. Their sport should be just that! THEIR sport! It should be a source of joy and fun for them completely unburdened by the heavy weight of worry that they might be letting you down unless they perform to YOUR EXPECTATIONS!
Guilty as charged. I've
Just the fact that you are
Just the fact that you are willing to acknowledge that you may have overstepped your role as a parent is huge. Awareness of our behaviors and the effect that they have had on our kids is the first step to being able to change them and reverse any negative impact that they may have had. Perhaps one of the most powerful teaching tools available to you as a parent is the mistakes that you make with your kids. By definition, being a parent means that you are going to do things wrong with your kids. The mistakes aren't the issue here. The issue is how you handle them. Being able to let your son know that you were wrong, that you are genuinely sorry and that you will try to do better next time is critical and will help him feel better. Also, sit down with him and ask him what role that he would like you to play in relation to his sport. That is, what would he like you to say before and after games? What would he want from you after he has a disappointing performance? What are the things that he doesn't want you to say or do that he finds unhelpful. have a conversation about these things and try to follow his instructions closely. This will communicate to him that indeed you are sorry for what you may have said and done and want to change things.