When WINNING, i.e. AVOIDING LOSING means TOO much – The MORAL CORRUPTION of CHEATING.

What do all of these highly recognizable athletes have in common? Performance enhancing drugs?.... Cheating?. …Lying?…. A healthy dose of DENIAL?..... Perhaps ALL OF THE ABOVE?

Years ago a simple, but troubling survey was conducted using a group of elite athletes. The subjects were asked a very basic question: “If you could take a pill that would guarantee that you won an Olympic gold medal but then caused your premature death within 10 ten years, would you do it?” An alarmingly large number of these athletes answered, ‘YES!”

Is this what competitive sports have come to? Is winning now more important to us than life itself?

With the promise of college scholarships, Olympic and/or professional careers, the lure of lucrative product endorsement deals and fame, more and more athletes, coaches and their parents are buying into the “winning sickness.” What’s the “winning sickness?” It really doesn’t matter how you go about winning just as long as you win. To me, this is like making a “Buy now, pay later” deal with the devil. You sell your soul, integrity and good name for a win. It’s the “winning sickness” that has insidiously begun to corrupt competitive sports and, in the process, cheapen us as human beings.

In this special issue of The Mental Toughness Newsletter I would like to revisit the issue of CHEATING IN SPORTS. Unfortunately, I am not just talking about what happens at a professional level where a small percentage of fully grown, supposedly mature and perhaps reluctant role models try to get an unfair advantage over their competition. I am also including here the dishonesty that goes on across all sports at almost every level.

This dishonesty could manifest itself as steroid or HGH use. This is truly the “magic pill” that may give you a medal tomorrow but could kill you, make you sterile or drive you insane within 10 years. It could show itself as “adult” coaches of little league or travel basketball teams who secretly “recruit” the most talented 10 and 11 year old athletes around so that they may produce the “best” teams in their league, all so that these “adults” can feel that they are “successful,” “competent” coaches. The dishonesty can rear its’ ugly little head as it so often does on the tennis court where good shots are strategically and consistently called out by certain players while their loving and supportive parents, their ultimate role models sit quietly and calmly by, watching their offspring blatantly cheat. It could show up at age group swim meets as a swim mother and certified United States Swimming official systematically disqualifies her 11 year old daughter’s three faster opponents during a race so that her daughter might come in first.

What is it that really motivates some athletes, their coaches and parents to engage in all of this dishonesty just so that they can say that they “won?” When you “win” by cheating, what exactly are you winning? You’re trading your personal integrity, character, reputation and ethics for what? A “championship” trophy? Bragging rights? Some lame story in a newspaper? To try to feel better about yourself?

When you engage in cheating to win, you are mining FOOL’S GOLD! Fool’s gold is an iron-based mineral that closely resembles the real thing. If you’re digging for gold, it sure looks the part. It’s bright, shiny and has the right golden color. However, there’s one minor problem here. Iron pyrite (fool’s gold) is not real gold! It is, instead, a relatively worthless rock just like the victories that you accrue through dishonesty and cheating. When you “win” in this way, you are totally blinded by the bright, glitter of something that appears to be valuable, but is not! Cheating to win is really losing. You know it (deep down), the opponents who you’re cheating against certainly know it and everyone watching knows it. Only a fool would continue to pretend that the “gold” that he accrues through these corrupted “victories” is precious. Worse yet, parents or coaches who sit by and watch their athlete cheat to win, share in the same delusion.

CHEATING, LYING AND DISHONESTY IN SPORTS & LIFE

Politicians do it all the time. It doesn’t matter whether they’re Democrats or Republicans, Presidents, Senators, Congressmen or local officials. They lie, sometimes cheat and otherwise walk on the shady side doing underhanded, sometimes immoral and/or illegal things and then scream with righteous indignation whenever someone dares blow the whistle on them.

Politicians twist the truth, frequently with the help of their staff. But don’t be concerned here because they’re not really lying. They’re just “spinning” the truth. I love that expression! “Spin” is when you manipulate reality, overlook facts, distort information and then try to convince yourself and everyone else that this really isn’t being dishonest. Political “spin” is like finding yourself down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland where up is down, left is right and you can spontaneously change any and all of the rules just to meet your own selfish needs. Excuse me, but “spin” does not adequately explain reality. “Spin” is nothing more than creative, bold-faced lying.

President Clinton did it in regard to his supposedly “non-sexual” encounters with Monica Lewinsky and Gennifer Flowers when he so vehemently declared, “I did not have sex with that woman!” President George W. Bush, V.P Cheney and their staff passionately argued that our homeland security was at stake unless we invaded Iraq to remove the “worldwide threat” of Saddam Hussein, Al Qaeda and those elusive, never-to-be-found Weapons of Mass Destruction. The Bush led White House pointed to all the “supporting evidence” that they used to make a compelling case for invasion and justify their version of reality. Truth be told, they ignored any and all reports to the contrary of their beliefs and turned against dissenters by calling them “unpatriotic.” Is this creative story telling, gross distortion, lying, spin or what?

Just recently, Former Attorney General and (just recently “former”) Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, a married man and father of three daughters, a straight shooter who had the reputation of “Mr. Clean” and a top crime fighter was fingered when his monetary records showed that he’d been regularly partaking of the services of a high priced prostitute. Apparently Spitzer didn’t get the dishonesty and hypocrisy involved in seeing a prostitute. As a crusading AG, he was frequently on the legal side of busting and prosecuting prostitution rings.

And let’s not forget the not too distant “heroics” of Idaho senator Larry Craig, busted in the men’s room of a Minneapolis airport for allegedly soliciting sex from a male undercover cop. To this day, Craig has used his “wide stance” defense (I wasn’t playing “footsie” with the guy in the next stall. I always keep my feet that wide apart when I use the facilities.”) to angrily deny these supposedly outrageous, wicked charges and his alleged homosexuality. Craig continues to trumpet his innocence despite the fact that doing so has made him look extremely foolish. I find it quite curious that similar allegations have been following Craig around for years dating back to when he was accused of being involved with male White House pages back in 1982.

CEOs of major corporations do it, even if the consequence of this dishonesty hurts the public, costs their employees’ jobs as well as all of their life savings. The outrageous smoke and mirror shenanigans of Enron’s Ken Lay and former CEO, Jeff Skilling brought the huge, well respected company to bankruptcy. After being found guilty of all 19 charges of fraud and conspiracy, Skilling in the face of incontrovertible evidence self-righteously proclaimed to the sentencing judge, “With all that being said your honor, I am innocent of these charges. I am innocent of every one of these charges.”

Apparently cheating by itself is not enough. Once caught red handed, these individuals seem to think that if they deny the truth long and hard enough, if they appear sincere or angry enough in their denials, then everyone will eventually come to believe them. In my book, this is called “magical thinking” and is something that very young children engage in as a normal part of their development. Very young kids, ages, two to six subscribe to the belief that “thinking makes it so.” That is, if you think something, that will make it happen in reality.

It seems that some of our top athletes, politicians and businessmen have never grown out of this infantile belief system. As long as they tell themselves that they aren’t doing anything wrong, then their cheating and lying is OK. If they lie and tell themselves and others that they are really telling the truth, then magically their lies will become the truth!

So what are we, the general and sporting public to learn from all of these highly visible, potential role models and their dishonesty? If you lie and manipulate the truth, then that’s just good old politics? Dishonesty is the best policy? You can lie and cheat but as long as you continue to tell yourself that you’re not, it’s OK? Winning is the only thing that matters and how you go about winning is totally irrelevant? Hurting others is fine, just as long as you get exactly what you need?

I don’t know about you, but the current culture which produces this selfish winning-is-the-only-thing mentality makes me sick to my stomach. It’s this mentality of corruption that motivates some athletes, coaches and their parents to cut ethical corners and sacrifice integrity, honesty and fair play at the alter of winning. This dishonesty has tainted our competitive games and robbed the up and coming generation of athletes of the luxury of being able to truly enjoy their sport and to play it for the right reasons. It has also interfered with the pursuit of excellence which I think should be an inherent part of every child’s experience in competitive sports. Cheating has absolutely nothing to do with the pursuit of excellence! Instead, cheating is at the opposite end of the street! Cheating and lying to cover it up represents the very worst in us rather than our very best.

One of the wonderful things about competitive sports is that, when supervised by appropriate, well-balanced adults it gives us an opportunity to grow and develop physically, mentally, emotionally and socially. Organized sports provide us with a wonderful vehicle to educate our young and teach them the value of hard work and a commitment to excellence. Sports teach us the importance of sacrificing “me” for “we,” or our individual needs for the success of the team. They teach us how to deal with failure, adversity and hardships. They teach us how to resolve interpersonal conflicts within the group. Sports teach kids how to set goals and then work towards those goals over the long term. They get kids out of the house, away from the computer, TV and video games, and, in the process, help them to develop a healthy relationship with physical movement and exercise. Sports challenge kids to face and go beyond their limits and beliefs. They teach us how to move towards and conquer our fears.

All of these early lessons learned on the field, track or court serve as a template for behaviors and possible successes later in life. The key question here is what kind of lessons are really being taught on our teams? What are the responsible adults, i.e. coaches and parents really teaching their kids about winning, success and fair play? Is honesty being touted as the best policy or is cheating and cutting ethical corners an integral part of this education?

WHY ATHLETES CHEAT

When I watch junior tennis players cheat in matches, the timing of their “creative” calls is oftentimes determined by how close the match is and how important a particular point might be. For example, if an opponent’s ball is hit inside the line for a winner on a really big point, the cheater is far more likely to call that ball out. Why? He is afraid of losing and all that this will mean for him. Cheaters cheat here because their fear instantly trumps their honesty, integrity and sense of fair play. They cheat because they feel a heightened sense of urgency related to winning. That is, they feel that they have to cheat in order to win. This sense of urgency that they experience to win fuels their attempts to convince themselves that a ball 2 inches in, was indeed out. And, just like that three or four year old child, thinking makes it so. “Yup! No question about it! That ball was definitely out!”

Cheating is a direct reflection of our individual insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. Cheating has nothing to do with pushing our athletic and personal envelopes to see how far we can go. Cheating does not represent our trying to “be the best that you can be.” Instead, cheating represents a defensive back sliding. Cheaters “practice” interpersonally and ethically being “the worst that you can be.” Their behaviors are ugly and directly counter to the spirit of appropriate competition. In true competition, two opponents go head to head in a “seeking together” process. In the true meaning of the word compete, (the Latin derivatives of “compete” mean “to seek together”) your opponent is your partner. He/she provides you with the opportunity to lift your level of performance to new heights. The more challenging and skilled the opponent, the better chance you have of excelling. However, if one of the opponents cheats, then this totally corrupts the nature and spirit of true competitive. Cheating violates the “seeking together” part of the competitive relationship.

Cheaters cheat because they feel threatened. When they compete, their sense of self worth as an athlete and individual is on the line. Should they lose, the whole world will see what they truly fear down deep: That is, they are simply not good enough! Cheating is the public face that we give to this fear. In this way cheaters cheat to protect themselves from these feelings of inadequacy. While their dishonesty may create a temporary illusion of excellence for cheaters, i.e. they “win,” the so-called success that is achieved is really just a sham! Whether they’ll openly admit it to themselves or others, deep down cheaters know this! They know that their victory is hollow.

The other dynamic we need to more closely examine here in cheating is the internal danger that cheaters experience which compels them to reflexively resort to dishonesty. Sports are supposed to be fun. They are simply the games that we play. They are NOT supposed to be serious or larger than life. We participate in them because we enjoy the challenge, activity, competition, movement, camaraderie, etc. Joy is the operative word here. Peak performance is a direct result of how relaxed and passionate an athlete is just before and during his/her performance. If you go into a competition truly enjoying yourself, then the likely end result is that you will play close to your best. Enjoyment is one of the main ingredients in peak performance. If you are too serious before or during a performance, then it will be impossible for you to relax and perform to your potential.

Obviously if you are experiencing a sense of internal danger either before or during your competition, you are NOT exactly having fun. Internal threat and fun are mutually exclusive. You can’t have one with the other present. Something that kicks up danger in us triggers our survival instincts. If a particular competition sets off an internal survival alarm, then the resultant felt-experience of danger will instantly eclipse your ability to enjoy yourself. Instead, it will instantly mobilize you to respond in a self-protective manner.

You can see this same dynamic with a kid who lies. Why do kids lie? They are afraid that if they tell the truth they will get into more trouble. They don’t stop to think about the consequences of their dishonesty, i.e. that this will get them into even deeper hot water. They are like a cornered animal that only has one thought: ESCAPE the danger. So the liar reflexively lies to escape the perceived danger and the cheater reflexively cheats to avoid the internal threat he/she feels that’s associated with losing.

We can’t discuss the internal danger that a cheater feels without looking very closely at his/her coaches and/or parents. Kids who cheat feel overly pressured to win. It’s rare that this kind of pressure exists in a vacuum, coming entirely from within the athlete. Instead, it usually has its’ source in the important adults in that child’s life: his/her coaches and/or parents. Either implicitly or explicitly this young athlete is being given the message that he/she has to win or else. This outcome pressure is further reinforced by the adults’ reactions to those performances where the athlete loses. When this happens, the adults involved make the consequences for losing extremely unpleasant for the athlete. They may embarrass or humiliate the child for his/her failings. They may respond by getting visibly angry, withholding love or meting out punishments. They may become emotionally and even physically abusive. Their disappointment and strong emotional responses to the athlete’s failures loudly communicates to that child that losing is not only unacceptable, but dangerous. As a consequence, when that child-athlete gets ready to perform again, he/she begins to feel a heightened sense of dread that’s fueled by the fear of losing.

The problems with cheating always seem to stem from an overblown concern with the contest’s outcome. The urgency to win and fear of losing completely distracts the athlete from the reason he’s even competing in the first place. Now it certainly makes sense that you should do everything in your power to win, if winning was literally a life and death struggle. That is, if you won you lived, but if you lost, then you’d die. However, last I checked, our competitive sports world is not the same as the ancient Roman Coliseum where gladiators fought against each other and/or wild animals to the death. Your life isn’t really at stake when you step onto the field or court and your sense of emotional security and self-worth shouldn’t be either. However, because we’ve made winning too important, some athletes fall into this life and death struggle mentality that compels them to cheat.

WHAT MAKES A WINNER

Maybe it would be more useful for the adults who are involved in sports to do a much better job of defining to our young athletes what it really means to be a winner. Perhaps this speaks to the real purpose of participating in competitive sports. In an overly competitive society, we’ve become so narrowly focused on winning that we’ve become blinded to the more important purposes of our various performance arenas on and off the playing fields. For example, school has become an intense competitive arena where the most important thing is to get A’s and out-compete your fellow students. What’s lost in this obsessive focus on high grades is that the true purpose of education is to learn and develop as an individual, not simply to score well on tests. Similarly, far too many of us have come to mistakenly believe that the purpose of participating and competing in sports is to win. If this is all that you take away from your sports experience, then it will be an extremely empty and meaningless one.

Winning should NOT be the essence of your participation in sports. Your learning, growth and development as both an athlete and a person should be! Winning should NOT define the value of your experience in sports. Your total experience as an athlete with all the ups and downs should! Winning is simply one very small part of the total sports experience.

This is why I don’t think you can begin to describe the term “winner” as that particular individual or team who comes in first. Finishing first does NOT automatically make you a winner! Finishing first simply means that you finished first! Technically, according to the sport’s rules, you “won” the competition. However, what makes you a real winner has less to do with the outcome that you achieved in a particular competition and much more to do with how you went about achieving that outcome.

To me, it is always the process of your participation and performance or the particular “how” that is most important. How did you perform? How did you conduct yourself? Were you a team player? Were you a good sport? Were you respectful in your interactions with your teammates and opponents? How did you handle adversity? When you made mistakes, how did you manage them? How did you handle winning and/or losing? Did you manage your emotions appropriately? Did you try your hardest? It’s your answers to all of these “hows” that determines whether you’re a true winner or not.

So let’s briefly examine the behaviors of a real winner? A real winner is someone who has a total commitment to excellence. True excellence has absolutely nothing to do with cutting corners either physically or mentally. It has nothing to do with lying, cheating or any kind of dishonesty. Excellence is all about stretching yourself in every way possible, physically, mentally and emotionally in an attempt to discover how far you can go. There is no corruption or dishonesty in a true winner’s pursuit of excellence. There is only the challenge, sacrifice and hard work towards that goal.

A real winner displays self-respect and personal integrity in how he conducts himself. A real winner cares about who he is in the world, how he carries himself and the manner in which he pursues his goals. He is honest in his interactions with teammates, coaches and most of all, his opponents. His self respect and integrity is visible in the quality of his effort whenever he trains and competes. To a real winner, maintaining this personal integrity and honesty is far more important than winning.

A real winner takes responsibility for her actions. When she makes mistakes or fails, this kind of athlete owns up to her part. She is not an “externalizer” or blamer. When things get hard and start to fall apart, the real winner doesn’t look for others to take the fall for her. Instead, she looks in the mirror to see what needs to get changed.

A real winner always maintains a sense of fair play. While a real winner may hate losing with a passion, he does not let the competition’s outcome get in the way of his sense of right and wrong. He knows about and values the rules of the game. As a consequence, a real winner would never deliberately cheat to achieve an advantage or increase his chances of winning.

A real winner is a good sport. She handles both winning and losing is appropriate ways. She does not gloat when she wins or pout when she loses. She handles her victories with regard to the feelings of her opponent. While she may dislike losing and feel terribly disappointed as a consequence, she manages these emotions in appropriate ways. A real winner does not allow herself to get “emotionally hijacked” by either the highs of victory or the lows of defeat.

A real winner is genuinely considerate of others, teammates, opponents, coaches and game officials. He can be aggressive and extremely competitive as an athlete, but he never lets that interfere with how he treats those whom he plays with or competes against. Simply put, a real winner displays a healthy respect for others and doesn’t let his competitiveness interfere with this.

A real winner keeps the sport in the proper perspective. While she may expend a tremendous amount of time and energy training, and compete with great intensity, a real winner never loses sight of the fact that it’s just a game. She knows that there are other, far more important things in life than this competition.

A real winner never cheats!

HANDLING THE CHEATER - ATHLETES

Having to compete against someone who is deliberately cheating can be an extremely upsetting experience and one that is oftentimes difficult to properly handle. Cheaters push our emotional hot buttons. They make us instantly “see red.” When someone cheats against you, it feels like you’re being violated. In fact, that’s exactly what is happening. Your sense of fair play, the hard work you’ve invested in training and your performance skills are all being sullied by the cheater. He is openly stealing from you and then has the audacity to look you straight in the eyes and deny that this is what he is doing.

The normal response to this kind of “emotional assault” from a cheater is to immediately get enraged. Unfortunately the minute you allow yourself to give in to your anger, the cheater has you exactly where he wants you. You are no longer calm and focused on the right things. Instead you are upset, physically tense and focused on him. If you allow yourself to play this way, your performance level will plummet. If you try to use your anger as fuel to “get the cheater back,” the same thing will happen. Too much anger means too much physical tension in your body and the likelihood that your concentration will be on the wrong things.

Instead of allowing the cheater to push your buttons and emotionally reacting, you want to strategically outmaneuver the cheater. You do this in steps:

#1 – Get back in emotional control – Chances are good that when someone suddenly starts cheating, he is going to catch you off guard. Unless you know the individual and his history of dishonesty, then you will be temporarily stunned/shocked by the outrageousness and bold faced dishonesty of the cheater.

(In junior golf tournaments you have to keep your partner’s score for each hole. In a recent match my 13 year old client asked his 16 year old opponent what his hole score was as they walked away from the second hole to the third tee. The 13 year old knew that the older boy had shot a 7. My young client just wanted to test the waters because there was a rumor that this older player was dishonest. When the 16 year old said, “Oh. I shot a 5!” my client was totally stunned even though he was expecting his opponent to be dishonest.)

Your first job is to physically and emotionally calm yourself down. You want to quickly get yourself back in emotional control. Immediately switch your focus away from the cheater to you and your breathing. Take a few slow deep breaths and as you do so, be sure that you keep your concentration on the feeling of the air coming in and going out.

#2 – Don’t personalize the cheating – Birds fly. Fish swim. Cheaters cheat. It’s the way of the world. Dishonesty is what they do. Do not waste your valuable energy and emotions feeling that the cheater’s deceit is solely directed at you. Simply put, don’t personalize it. You can be sure that his last opponent got the same underhanded treatment and his next opponent after you will get it too. It’s got nothing to do with you. Instead, it has everything to do with the cheater and his corrupted ethics.

#3 – Understand WHY the cheater is cheating – It’s useful for the “cheatee” to know why the cheater is resorting to “smoke and mirrors.” Cheating always comes from a place of weakness, NOT strength. Whether he’d admit it or not, the cheater feels inadequate as an athlete and as a person. He is terrified of losing. He is not confident that he can win without the fraudulence. In this way he is like a poker player with crappy cards who is trying to bluff you. However by cheating he is inadvertently showing you that he has a weak hand. When someone begins to cheat, you want to keep this in the back of your mind. Stay calm, keep focused and continue to play hard and soon, the cheater will crack under the pressure. This is even more that case if you respond to the cheating by staying calm and composed.

#4 – Calmly, but directly challenge the cheating – When someone begins to cheat, it’s important that you very quickly let them know that you know that they are being dishonest. You don’t have to have a huge confrontation with them or get into a heated argument. You just want to let them know that you are fully aware of what they are doing. Humor is a good way to do this. For example, responding to a bad call against him in a tennis match a player might smile, look incredulously at the cheater and say, “Really? Let me see if I understand this correctly. You’re calling a ball that was 2 inches in, out? Is that right?”

#5 – Get outside officiating as soon as possible – Once it becomes very clear that you’re being deliberately cheated and you’ve let the cheater know that you know exactly what he/she is doing, you need to get outside supervision/officiating. Talk to your coach, an official or some other appropriate adult. Do not let the dishonest behavior continue without getting outside help. Trying to compete while someone continues to cheat is most often too difficult to handle on your own.

#6 – Keep your focus of concentration on you, NOT the cheater – Cheating tends to knock athletes off center both mentally and emotionally. Specifically, it immediately distracts your focus of concentration from the task at hand, from playing your game and instead gets you focusing on the cheater. When you allow your concentration to stay there your performance will begin to suffer. Therefore it is absolutely critical that you immediately return your focus to your job and what’s going on in the performance. This is not an easy thing to do because the upset from the cheating will continue to automatically pop up in your mind. Every time your focus starts to drift to the cheater or the cheating, you want to quickly bring your focus back to the moment and the task at hand.

HANDLING THE CHEATER – PARENTS

Here’s an important question for you: What would you like your child to learn from his/her experiences in competitive sports? A) Winning is the ONLY thing. B) How you win is not important. C) Dishonesty is the best policy. D) Cheating is fine just as long as you don’t get caught. E) Losing is never an acceptable outcome. F) NONE OF THE ABOVE.

My guess is that A – E are NOT the life lessons that you would want your child to walk away with from his/her sports experience. I’m also sure that you would be appropriately horrified and embarrassed to know that your son or daughter carried the reputation of “cheater” around the competitive circuit. Imagine what it would be like, as a consequence, to have your child’s opponents and their coaches openly disrespect him/her for his/her dishonesty. To insure that this never happens, you as the parent need to take a proactive stance around this issue starting at a very early age. You need to clearly teach your children that dishonesty, whether it’s related to school, interpersonal relationships or sports is totally unacceptable. I feel almost silly writing this because it seems so painfully obvious. What parent in their right mind would actively and directly encourage their child to cheat and lie?

Understand this: If your child’s sports performance has become too important to you, if your competitiveness has run away with your good sense, in other words, if you have lost your perspective, then chances are pretty good that you may inadvertently overlook or excuse certain of your child’s behaviors so that he/she may win. No loving parent starts off with the explicit goal of wanting to teach their child to be an effective cheat. However, you may be indirectly contributing to his/her cheating because of the outcome pressures that you impose upon him/her and/or how you emotionally respond to his/her failures.

As a parent, you want to have a zero-tolerance policy regarding cheating and dishonesty in sports and in life. Any time that you witness your child doing things that are underhanded or ethically suspect, you want to seize this situation as a valuable teaching opportunity. At the appropriate time, pull your child aside and “hold a mirror up to his/her behavior.” Discuss what happened and let them know without any ambivalence on your part that this kind of behavior is wrong, that it’s unfair to the opponent and violates the spirit of sports and healthy competition.

Let them know that winning is never the main goal whenever they compete but competing like a winner is! Clearly spell out in age appropriate language just exactly what “competing like a winner” entails, (i.e. being honest, following the rules, being a good sport, doing your best, respecting the opponent, being a good and supportive team player, etc.). Tell them that in your family, there is no dishonesty or cheating, that good, decent people don’t use dishonesty to try and get ahead. Help them understand that a real winner never cheats. If fitting, have them apologize to the opponent who they cheated against. Most important, every time they engage in this behavior, immediately call them on it. Do not turn a blind eye to cheating and think of it as “just a phase that they will grow out of.” It may very well be a brief developmental phase that they’re going through since kids frequently experiment with all kinds of behaviors. However, if you’re silent when they are dishonest, then you are indirectly sending them a very loud message that cheating is OK.

If you happen to catch your child cheating it is very important that you don’t get into a “Yes you did!....NO, I didn’t!” argument with them. If you accuse them and they quickly and adamantly deny it, then just let the argument stop there. They may be much too embarrassed or ashamed to admit to you that they were indeed cheating. Instead, let them know that “in the future,” dishonesty of any kind is not acceptable. When you do confront your child on behavior that you’d like to change, do it privately and without shaming them. Be loving and caring, but not humiliating.

Also be sure that you make it crystal clear to your child that cheating is not acceptable under any circumstances and that there will be consequences for this kind of dishonesty. If the cheating continues after several discussions, then a “logical consequence” would be to force your child to take a break from his/her sport for a while after apologizing for his behavior to his coaches and/or opponent. If the cheating still remains a problem, then you should have them take another, longer “time out” from the sport.

Cheating is just like stealing. If your child came home with items that she told you she had “purchased” from a local store but it turned out that she had actually shop-lifted, you wouldn’t just simply tell her that you’re extremely disappointed and that what she did was wrong. You would give her the “logical consequences” of having to return the merchandise to the store’s owner and then apologizing to him. These consequences are extremely embarrassing and will usually motivate a child to walk down the path of honesty.

While we’re on the topic of honesty is the best policy, let’s briefly mention the most powerful way that you can teach your children to play by the rules: MODEL THE BEHAVIORS THAT YOU WANT THEM TO ADOPT! Our kids closely mirror our behaviors. ALL of our behaviors! We are their most important role models and life teachers. In everything that we say and do, we’re continually teaching our children lessons whether we want to or not. If we tend to cut ethical corners in our relationships, profession or with the games that we play, then they will see this and learn from it. What do you want your children to really learn from watching you? Keep in mind that you can’t teach a child to “do as I say, NOT as I do!”

HANDLING THE CHEATER – COACHES

When it comes to cheating in sports, coaches also need to have a zero tolerance policy. Young athletes need to clearly understand that the game is played fairly and by the rules or it’s not played at all! There should never be any place for dishonesty in competitive sports. Cheating completely violates the true spirit of competition and makes a mockery out of the sport.

One of your main jobs as a coach is to teach proper technique and to correct mechanical and strategy mistakes. However, the very best coaches understand that their job is not just simply to develop and train good athletes in this way. They recognize that their job is far more important than this. They understand that the very heart of their job is to develop and train good people. Good coaching far transcends the basic X’s and O’s of the sport. Good coaching is all about teaching kids how to become good citizens in the world. The great coach has this broader role in mind whenever he/she interacts with his/her athletes.

The underpinning of teaching kids to become good citizens of the world is to teach them the value of honesty and fair play. Regardless of the numerous examples of highly visible dishonesty surrounding them, kids need to learn that this is not the way of a champion. They need to learn from you that you value honesty and integrity above all else.

An integral part of effectively training this “way of a champion” is keeping winning and losing in the proper perspective. Successful coaches coach the process of their sport, that is, the how to’s. Less successful coaches get bogged down with worries about the outcome. These coaches over-emphasize winning, making a losing result something that needs to be avoided at all costs. The successful coach knows that his self-worth is not tied up in the outcome. This individual knows that when he loses, it is not a direct reflection on his personal flaws and weaknesses. Because of this, he is able to also help his players effectively separate their self-worth from their performance.

When you coach the outcome, you will be less successful as a coach. You will inadvertently get your players too uptight to execute to their potential. You will be accidentally contributing to your athletes’ faulty concentration during their performances. Whenever an athlete goes into a performance with an outcome focus, i.e. worried too much about winning or losing, then this athlete will always underachieve. Peak performance comes directly out of a relaxed state and if winning is too important, achieving this relaxed state is impossible.

Furthermore, if you as a coach place too much emphasis on your players to win, you will be generating an undercurrent of fear on your team. Not only will this fear tighten your players up, but it will also make them more vulnerable to stretching the limits of fair play in order to avoid their fears, i.e. losing.

As basic and obvious as this may sound, playing fairly and within the rules is an integral part of proper technique. Don’t ever assume that your athletes, regardless of their ages, understand this. Take some time in the beginning of the season and whenever it might be necessary throughout to remind your athletes HOW you expect them to conduct themselves in relation to this sport. Spell it out in very clear language. Good coaching is all about teaching athletes to both perform and conduct themselves like winners. You want your athletes to know that how they go about winning is far more important to you than the winning itself.

Should you discover that one of your athlete’s is cheating, then it’s imperative that you deal with her quickly and firmly. Take that player aside and ask her if she was aware that what she was doing was dishonest. If she denies any wrongdoing, do not get in an argument with her about whether she was or wasn’t cheating. You saw her cheat and you know that she was cheating. Getting her to immediately admit this is less important than making sure she knows that you know and that you will not tolerate this behavior in the future.

Whenever you deal with someone who’s cheating do so kindly and sensitively. Do not humiliate or embarrass the athlete in front of others. Chances are pretty good that she already has a significant history of having been shamed in her past. Instead, take her aside privately and let her know what you expect from her as a person and member of your team whenever she competes. If there is videotape of the incident, sit down with the athlete and show her the problematic behavior. You also might want to spend some private time with her exploring what might be compelling her to cheat. Remember, athletes who resort to cheating feel a tremendous amount of internal pressure to win. They experience a great deal of fear whenever they compete. Cheating always comes from a place of vulnerability and weakness. If appropriate, go after what may be underlying their dishonesty. Try to open up a caring, honest dialogue with this athlete in private. In the process, help her figure out healthier, more appropriate ways of dealing with her fears than cheating.

Sometimes a player of yours will cheat and have the unspoken, covert approval of a parent. This athlete’s mother or father is secretly aware of their son’s cheating but is not willing to see it as a problem as long as he continues to be successful. In these situations it is oftentimes difficult to get the athlete to stop cheating when they are being subtly and unconsciously encouraged by a parent. If the parent is unable or unwilling to set appropriate limits and teach this life skill, YOU MUST. Just because your athlete’s parents have remained silent on this issue doesn’t mean that you need to That athlete has to hear it loud and clear from you that cheating is totally unacceptable, regardless if mom and dad don’t seem to mind. In fact, you do the young athlete an injustice if you also allow him to continue to get away with his dishonesty.

This brings up a common issue for coaches. There are times that you will have athletes on your squad who seem to lack basic social skills. For example, they may be extremely selfish and show a blatant lack of concern for their teammates. They may manipulate different teammates playing one off against another. They may scapegoat others or they may simply be dishonest. Just like you’d build self-esteem in the athlete with low self-esteem, part of your coaching job is to try and build more appropriate social skills by helping that individual understand which behaviors are acceptable and which ones aren’t.

So how do you handle the cheater?

You have two, potentially powerful weapons to combat cheating. The first and most powerful one is less obvious: your relationship with the athlete in question. If he values your respect and approval, if he trusts you and knows that you genuinely care about him, then he will be far more likely to take your feedback on his behavior seriously. Most athletes want their coach’s approval and acceptance. This is even more the case if that coach consistently conducts him/herself in such a manner that earns the respect of his/her athletes. If you have this kind of relationships with all of your players, then the cheater is likely going to be troubled by your telling him that you are disappointed in him and that you expect better.

The second weapon you have in the battle against cheating is playing time, (PT). The athlete who cheats should not be playing. She needs to understand that if she can’t play the game honestly and within the rules, then she won’t get to represent your team or her teammates! You should present these consequences to this athlete privately and in a non-punitive manner. In the process, you should let her know that you expect her to follow the rules and treat her teammates and opponents with the proper respect, that this is what being a real winner is all about.

DR. G’S TEACHING TALES

Maintain Your Integrity
From Heart At Work, author unknown

A while back, there was a story about Reuben Gonzolas, who was in the final match of his first professional racquetball tournament. He was playing the perennial champion for his first shot at a victory on the pro circuit. With match point on his racquet in the fifth and final game, Gonzolas made a great "kill shot" into the front corner to win the game and the tournament. The referee called the shot good, and a second observing ref confirmed that the shot was indeed a winner.

But after a moment's hesitation, Gonzolas turned and declared that his shot had actually skipped into the wall, hitting the floor first, that it wasn’t a good shot. As a result, the serve went to his opponent, who went then went on to win the match.

Reuben Gonzolas walked off the court and the crowd sat there stunned. No one could believe what had just happened and that this player had allowed his honesty to dictate the match’s final outcome. In the next issue of a prominent racquetball magazine, Gonzolas was featured on its’ cover. The lead editorial searched and questioned for a rational explanation for this first ever occurrence on the professional racquetball circuit of a match being “won” yet then reversed by the “winning” player himself. Who could ever imagine this happening in any sport or endeavor? Here was a player with everything officially in his favor, with victory in his grasp, who disqualified himself after “winning” match point thus opening up an opportunity for his opponent to win.

When asked why he did it, Gonzolas replied very simply: "It was the only thing I could do to maintain my integrity." Apparently Gonzalas was a true champion.

Our politicians, business leaders and professional athletes could sure learn something valuable from this guy about conducting yourself like a real winner!