In Problems in Youth Sports

Get ready for the first ever Youth Olympic Games coming to the world stage in 2010 in Singapore, (2012 for the first ever Youth Winter Olympics). If you liked the televising of high school basketball games, the college recruitment of 6th graders, 13 year olds with their own clothing line and having ESPN cover the Little League World Series, then you’ll love where the professionalization of youth sports is headed next! “We’re going to the Olympics!” Yeah baby!

The IOC is organizing the first ever youth Olympic Games for 14-18 year olds. But don’t worry parents and coaches. You don’t have to wait until your super-star is 14 to begin the serious training. You can start that Olympic training regime when your kid is 9 or even younger! In fact, why wait that long. My feeling is you can never be too early when it comes to getting a jump on the competition. I’m rushing over to my 3 year old grandson’s house after I write this so I can get him doing wind sprints and lifting weights. I’ve also got some great ideas about the new, high performance diet we’re going to immediately put him on. This is my one big opportunity to make a name for myself and I’m certainly not going to let his childhood and happiness get in the way!!

Athletes, now you can start preparing for your very own Olympic Trials which you can qualify for as early as age 13! Think of what this means! If you have to qualify for Trials by age 13, then you better get off your butt and start training right now, three weeks before your 8th birthday! So lose the video games, quit the socializing and get with the program! Not only that, but I understand that there will also be world and regional rankings to compete for before these Youth Olympics! Now we’re talking some serious competition! Imagine how much hard training and preparation we’re going to have to put in to get one of these coveted rankings so that by the time we get to the Olympics, we’re well placed in the seedings.

This is great because it means we can now almost completely eliminate the fun that you kids have been having when you play your sport. We can’t have any more of this mamby-pamby, enjoying- yourself-through-playing-your-sport garbage. Not only that, but this will help us weed out all of those really uncoordinated kids who just seem to be a drag on competitive sports. After all, if you’re not good enough, then you shouldn’t be playing.

Just think of the potential market here. Now we can hire special, Youth Olympic coaches to privately work with these kids 6 days a week to help them prepare for gold. We can home school most of these athletes so academics won’t get in the way of the much more important training that has to be done to secure gold. Perhaps we can even look into a new line of Youth OlympIc clothing, “for the gold medalist within you.” I am totally psyched! Speaking of that, maybe more and more of these young 9 year old up and comers will need me as their personal Sports Performance Consultant. Heck, I might even be able to start planning that new wing I want to build on my mansion! Or, at the very least, I might be able to secure a night-time spot on Jay Leno or with Dave!

But the good news doesn’t stop there! I hear that plans are in the works for a new Olympic Channel! That’s right kiddies! It’s a channel devoted to all things Olympian! I’ve got some great ideas about how they can fill their programming. Perhaps some human interest stories about 8 and 9 year old competitors who, from in utero, have dreamed of making their country proud. Or maybe a story of courage involving that 12 year old who made a heart warming comeback, just when everyone thought he was all washed up! I don’t have to tell you that the sky is the limit here! Just think about how many Youth Olympic coaches will want a chance to get their athletes and great coaching skills featured on this channel! I can’t control myself! This is way too exciting!

Listen, my apologies, but I’ve really got to go. Time’s a wasting! I’ve got a 3 year-old waiting on me who thinks I’m going to spend the afternoon with him at the playground. Little does he know what I have in store for him. We are off to the college stadium to run some steps. Excuse me, I mean he is off to run the steps! I will simply be there for motivation.

I think I can hear the Olympic theme playing loudly in my head! I’m getting chills up and down my spine. I can see that golden glitter of GOLD around my, I mean his neck!

Stay tuned sports fans!


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